In Bloom Doula Services

Of the many things to do when preparing for a baby, one of the most important, but often over looked is finding a pediatrician. I did a web search through my insurance and found a pediatrician with about 40 years of experience and a 5 star rating. In a hurry to find one I set up an appointment with him and prematurely decided that he was it. I typically don’t go for male doctors, but I made an exception because he seemed to be “the best.” When I went in for our first appointment at 36 weeks pregnant, I told him I planned on breastfeeding, my maternity leave and childcare plans, and we discussed vaccines. It seemed that he had a lot of experience, and I was eager to cross “find a pediatrician” off my to-do list.

Fast forward to when my son, Holden, was three days old. We went to our first check up to see how he was doing. He had gained weight, looked great, but had one blocked tear duct that was stressing me out. The doctor asked how we were sleeping and eating, and I told him the truth—he eats constantly and I never sleep. He wasn’t surprised, and acted like this was typical, but not acceptable. He referred to this issues as “problems” and had a very arrogant way of talking to me. I was a new mom, riddled with anxiety, and eagerly listened to what he said because I wanted to do everything the right way. I wanted reassurance that I was doing the right things. I asked dozens of questions about tear ducts, milk supply, cluster feeding, his umbilical chord. You name it; I was concerned. He scoffed at my questions like I was silly making a big deal out of small things. He told me my milk should come in at any time and then he should be put on an eating schedule too. We were told to come back at 10 days old to assess how that was going. I thought that seemed like a lot of appointments, but the confirmation that his umbilical cord was healing well, and that he was gaining weight was reassuring, so I didn’t hesitate. I needed as much reassurance as I could get.

At 10 days old I was officially a sleep deprived mess. No matter what I tried I could not get Holden to sleep when I put him down. I would nurse him on demand, nurse him to sleep, and when I went to put him in his bed to sleep he would wake up, and the cycle would begin again. I also had over supply problems that caused him to choke and spit up milk everywhere. He was cluster feeding, and I felt like he was constantly nursing. When the doctor asked how eating and sleeping we’re going I was honest and assumed he would tell me that it is all normal and would get better with time. Instead, he told scolded me for letting my son be in control and was adamant that I wasn’t trying hard enough at getting him to sleep on his own. He told me to limit my son to a feeding every two hours: “Do not let him eat between meals, and if he doesn’t eat a full meal when it’s time too bad if he’s hungry later.” I was shocked. This went against everything I’d been told about milk supply and breastfeeding. I had always heard from my midwife, doula, the lactation consultant and from nursing support groups that nursing on demand will help establish your milk supply. Nursing was the only thing that soothed my son. The thought of listening to him scream for hours in hunger or just listening to him scream at all made me feel sick. Which is why what my pediatrician told me next sent me into panic mode.

In addition to our sleeping and eating schedules he told me to pump on one side as I nursed on the other. I had been told to wait to pump until 6 weeks to avoid encouraging an oversupply. I questioned how I was supposed to manage pumping and nursing simultaneously to myself, but I evidently didn’t hide the question on my face. He asked, “Can you do both at the same time?” I thought he was asking me if I could physically handle it. I imagined holding the pump and my wiggling son and how I nursed readjusting him and holding my breast to his face. I shook my head no. It seemed impossible. He said exasperatedly, “Do you have two hands?!” “Yes…” I said. “Then you can pump on one side and nurse on the other.” I got really angry. I suddenly was using his age and gender against him. How does this old man know what it’s like to breastfeed an infant? Or listen to him scream. Logically I knew this challenged the advice and direction I’d gotten from the trusted women (and experienced breast feeders, mind you) in my life. Instinctually I knew this was wrong. I started feeling overwhelmed and emotional.

It didn’t stop there though. In addition to our two hour eating schedule he wanted Holden on a sleep schedule as well. He told me to only allow Holden to nap twice a day, keeping him awake in between naps by stimulating him, and to never let him fall asleep at the breast. Keeping him awake during the day would encourage him to sleep through the night according to my pediatrician. All my newborn did was eat and sleep. The thought of keeping him awake for the majority of the day sent me reeling. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine what I would do with him. He can’t play or even see for that matter. Cuddling and sleeping were how we spent the day.  He talked about this theory like it was common sense, and I was stupid to have not thought of it before. He insisted that my son (who by the way was at 10 days old developmentally incapable of distinguishing the difference between he and myself) was learning to manipulate me by demanding food and being held. My husband’s grandmother was with me at the appointment. She and the doctor both nodded and claimed it was a great plan. I felt ganged up on. “Teach him he’s not in charge. Let him learn to eat when it’s time,” he told me. ‘Because babies have concepts of time,’ I thought.

I suddenly imagined myself trying to keep my sleep deprived, hungry, screaming baby awake for hours on end and I broke down. I cried, rocking my son as I listened to this doctor arrogantly and condescendingly explain his theory and review “our plan.” He didn’t ask me what was wrong as tears flowed down my face at the thought of the stressful ideas he had given to me. He scheduled me for another appointment in two weeks to see how I was doing with the plans and sent me to get a PKU test at the hospital, so I packed up my son and went for another stressful and emotional trip to another doctor. I saw the pained scream wash over Holden’s face as they pricked his heel and I cried with him and held him as I longed for the stress of the day to end. I got home and told my husband all what had happened at our appointment. As I vented about my stress and anger I said, “I am just trying to keep us both alive! How am I supposed to get us on schedules?!”

Thats when I decided, right then and there, that I was not going to that next appointment. In fact, I wasn’t seeing that pediatrician ever again. I told my midwife and doula about his “advice” and they reassured me that nursing on demand is best for breast feeding, that babies rarely sleep through the night and it is normal for him to sleep most of the day. Suddenly I remembered that I am a smart and intelligent, educated woman and fully capable mother. I knew why I had chosen to nurse on demand, and not allow my son to cry it out. I knew I didn’t deserve to be talked down to like that, and that I was making choices that were right for my son and I. I knew that love and attention can’t spoil a baby. So, I decided I wasn’t going to entertain for one second any of the “advice” he had given, and I would continue doing what my instincts told me was right, which is to nurse my crying baby  on demand. Let him sleep when he was tired, and listen to his needs. I would dump this pediatrician and find one that fit my style of parenting.

I now know that the suggestions he gave me are things that sabotage a breast feeding relationship. Nursing on demand is essential to establishing a good milk supply. Babies sleep the majority of the day. Babies actually can become over stimulated and have a harder time going to sleep when they are sleep deprived. Sleep begets sleep they say, so let that tired baby snooze. Plus, keeping a sleepy baby awake is torturous, and your sanity is important. If your baby is asking for food or sleep let them have it. If your doctor or anyone for that matter is giving you advice that makes you uncomfortable or your gut tells you isn’t right- dump them. You owe that doctor nothing, and there are doctors out there that will encourage and support your parenting decisions. They will care about your well-being as a mother instead of ignoring your distress as you cry in their office. They won’t create a problem where a problem doesn’t exist. My son was/is not a fussy baby. He only cried when he was put down to sleep alone. A sleep schedule didn’t solve that issue, but co-sleeping did.

I can’t believe that I even sat through the entire appointment now, or allowed someone to make me second guess my mothering choices even for a second. I now have a pediatrician who simply says if my son is progressing and gaining weight then I must be doing something right. He supports my choice to nurse when I feel it’s needed and doesn’t impose his beliefs on how I raise my baby. He tells me I am doing a wonderful job, and doesn’t talk to me like I am an incompetent idiot. Remember that doctors and midwives work for you. You do not have to be abused, and you are not required to follow their rules. This is important for every woman to know at every stage of the pregnancy, and birth process. Your doctor whether they be your OB/GYN, midwife, or pediatrician, should never be anything less that supportive, encouraging, and informative. If you ever feel bullied, disrespected, or unheard then it is time to find someone new.