In Bloom Doula Services

It is no secret that I hated postpartum life. I love being pregnant. I love having a fresh newborn to love on, but I hated recovering from labor. I documented a little bit of my postpartum recovery here in my post Bouncing Back Is A Load of Crap. The most frustrating part of postpartum life for me (besides the soreness and exhaustion) was the lack of conversation about how I was doing or feeling. There is an expectation that women are just suddenly supposed to be back to normal, and that just wasn’t the case for me. It took months for me to feel like I hadn’t “just had a baby.” 

The silence surrounding postpartum was maddening. I had visitors in the days following my first born’s birth. Visitors did bring gifts and meals that I appreciated very much, but after a few days had passed life had gone back to normal. My husband returned to work and I was coping with the newness of motherhood in a bubble. I am determined to broaden the conversation surrounding postpartum life, or the “fourth trimester” by bringing attention to the struggle that postpartum recovery is. One way is to bring awareness to some things other people can do to help the new moms in their life. I thought of 10 things that I appreciated as a new mom, obviously not everyone will be comfortable with each suggestion, but I think most would appreciate some of the gestures.

Not only is postpartum recovery often unspoken about, it is also very serious. Our culture focuses so much on the new baby that the needs of the new mom sometimes are neglected. America has an alarmingly high maternal mortality rate, and part of the problem is that new moms are not being taken care of. They feel compelled to meet the expectation of “bouncing back” and try to return to normal daily life. Postpartum recovery is not normal daily life. Problems like postpartum hemorrhaging and postpartum depression are real. Rest is important. In fact it is necessary, so if you care about the new moms in your life hopefully some of these suggestions will help them get the rest they need.

I recently read this article, Why Does Our Culture Focus So Much on Childbirth and So Little on The Time After? and love how it points out this discrepancy when it comes to pregnancy and birth in America. I had 4 baby showers thrown for me while pregnant with Holden. I had everyone at work encouraging me to rest, put my feet up, and take bathroom breaks. I got regular texts and phone calls checking on the status of labor, but once Holden was born and Nathan returned to work is when I felt the going got tough and I had no one to talk to about it, which honestly was a huge reason why I decided to begin writing a blog in the first place. If there is a new mom in your life, maybe some of these suggestions will help her too.

1. Ask her how she is doing (recovery wise)

One thing that frequently and unfortunately goes ignored is postpartum recovery. Pregnancy/postpartum life is so hard. Such a big transformation has taken place in a woman’s body and to a woman’s body. Birth can be traumatic and on top of healing new moms are now trying to learn how to care for a baby, and doing this all on very little sleep. Emotions are running wild and there is an expectation for new mom’s to be in a heavenly state of bliss. No matter how happy a new mom may be, I have never heard of anyone claiming that it is easy.

Instead of asking if the baby is a “good baby” or if he/she is sleeping well, ask how the Momma is feeling. Is she anxious? Is she in pain? How does she feel? Just listen and respond with empathy. Marveling at how cute the new little nugget is is important, but ignoring all of the monumental changes that have happened to her can make women feel alone and that there isn’t a place to talk about all she is going through. All I wanted to do was talk about the birth experience. I wanted to share what I had been through. I wanted people to be interested in what I had accomplished and how I felt about it. I just wanted to be heard.

2. Bring Her Meals

New motherhood is exhausting, regardless if it is your first, second or third new baby. Moms may be overwhelmed by the new addition and are surely exhausted. Making a home cooked meal, or even bringing her and the family take out is such a tremendous help. It saves her the time of cooking and preparing a meal. It is one less thing for her to worry about getting cleaned, and it is always better than a last minute freezer or fast food meal. Just say, “what are your plans for dinner Thursday night?” and simply tell her, “I am bringing you dinner.” Don’t ask, just do. Asking permission to help sometimes leads to women refusing out of an effort to be polite. I have heard of churches making meal trains, so that weeks of meals are taken care of a provided for while a new mom recovers. There are also meal delivery services that can deliver well prepared, healthy and delicious meals that are oven ready. If distance or cooking skills are an issue for you, a delivery service could be an option. My mom had a hot meal ready for us when we got home from the hospital (pictured above) and I remember literally every meal that was brought to us following Holden’s birth because I appreciated it that much.

3. Clean Her House

You may need to be pretty bold to do this one, or a very close family member or friend, but I can’t think of anything that helps more than taking care of chores around the house. Having my mom come and help with dishes and laundry while I was pregnant and just after Holden was born was the biggest blessing ever. Vacuuming, laundry, toilet scrubbing. It all felt like a work out when I was sore, exhausted and either big from pregnancy or healing from labor. Cleaning was the last thing I wanted to do, and the first thing I apologized for when visitors came to meet our new baby. So when my mom, or husband’s grandma helped themselves to cleaning the pile of dishes in my sink, rounding up things to pick up and put away, or tidying up, I did not try to stop them. Rest is important and it is not uncommon for new moms to push it to the limit and delay their own healing, or even put them self back in the hospital.

4. Grocery Shop

One of the hardest things to do during the end of pregnancy and early postpartum is to drag your self (and maybe a few children, too) to the grocery store. Ask for a list and buy the groceries for her to save her the trip. My mom did this for me before I even got home from the hospital with Holden, and had a nice home cooked meal waiting for me. Nothing has ever tasted better. I know some women feel a little stir crazy after a few days at home and love the excuse to get out of the house, but for me I didn’t want to go anywhere for weeks. If a new mom in your life is like me, I think she may appreciate the gesture. If no one is available to run to the grocery store for you, consider a grocery delivery service, or a grocery pick up. That way you can stay in your house, or at least in your car and still get the groceries that are needed.

5. Offer to change the diaper

When I had visitors that stayed for longer than an hour, there was a chance that they would catch me breast feeding, and also a chance that they’d catch a diaper change. If you are holding a little one and catch a whiff of something stinky just say “where can I change his diaper?” Let her rest and do the change. New moms have their fair share of dirty diapers to deal with. And are also frequently changing their own “diaper” if you will. The one thing I NEVER hear get discussed is postpartum bleeding, yet it happens to every new mom. Sometimes for close to 6 weeks. Her hands are full. Take one for the team!

6. Buy her something off of her registry

I am a firm believer in honoring a woman’s registry requests. New moms (and brides for that matter) spend a lot of time picking out things they need and want for this new chapter of life. If you really want to help her out, getting items off of her registry is probably to easiest way to do so. I know not everyone is quite comfortable offering to help someone clean a house, change a diaper, or take care of chores like grocery shopping, but everyone can offer to drop off a gift. Handmade gifts are super sentimental, and cute outfits are always fun, but sometimes new moms really need the humidifier, or the car seat adapter, or the baby thermometer. When all of the “boring” but useful things go ungifted then the parents are left getting it all themselves. It can be financially stressful, so gifting the unfun gifts is sometimes the most appreciated.

7. Amazon Gift Cards

And if you don’t know what she may want or need, or if she doesn’t want or need anything, send her an Amazon gift card! She can use it when it is needed, or even to treat herself if she’d like. New moms are giving so much of themselves to this new little life that a treat for just them may be the most helpful thing you can give them! Plus, Amazon is easy to use when you’re stuck under a nursing or sleeping baby.

8. Ask to Baby Sit

Ask to watch the baby! I know I didn’t want to be away from my son for a long time, but I did like having my husband’s grandmother come over to hold him so I could nap, take a shower, and take care of myself in whatever way I needed for a while. They were still in my house, but I had the chance to relax and rest. She’d even make me waffles and clean my kitchen! Not everyone has the good fortune of having family members close by. If you don’t, but you have the means, maybe hire a postpartum doula. She can come to your house, tidy up, hold your baby, let you shower, eat, nap and rest without having to do it all on your own. If you are far away, but would still like to help a new mom in your life, maybe hire the postpartum doula for them! You can find one on doulamatch.net!

9. Just come over and keep her company/ give her some space

There is a fine line when it comes to visitors after a new baby. Too many are over whelming, but not enough is incredibly lonesome. Maybe wait to bombard a new mom with visits until the steady stream has slowed down, but don’t forget that a new mom is in fact still in recovery weeks and months later. I found myself trying to keep busy and entertained by trips to Target, or running to Panera Bread because you can get stir crazy and lonely in a house all day with an infant. So, keep offering to come visit. Send texts, cards, messages, ask her to coffee. Sometimes not feeling forgotten is the biggest help of all. A quick reminder you are thinking of them can go a long way.

10. Tell her she is doing a good job!

Like I said pregnancy is hard. Postpartum life is hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Lets just call it like it is, motherhood is HARD. On top of the hardness and the newness, there is the stress and worry and the guilt. Worry that you’re doing motherhood the right way or good enough. Guilt if you do almost anything outside of what other women say is the right way and sometimes all a mom needs is to hear she is doing a good job. She is the best mom in the world to that little person and nobody in could ever mother him/her like she does.

Story Time:

When Holden was about 6 weeks old we went to visit my grandparents, for Christmas, at their farm 8 hours away. Between the road trip, breastfeeding in front of family, the sleepless nights and the continuous spit up that left me without any clean change of clothes – I was having a rough time. As we prepared to leave everyone began commenting how good of a dad my husband was/is. They went on about how comfortable he seemed, how patient he was. I knew this.  I agreed with them! It is one of my favorite things about him, and in hind sight I am sure that it was their way of trying to get to know and welcome their still quite new grandson-in-law into the family. They had known me for 25 years. They knew my heart and my personality, but I still left feeling defeated. We got in the car and I immediately started crying to Nathan, “they said you’re a good dad, but nobody told me I’m a good mom!”

I feel slightly embarrassed over the break down now, but I also still feel quite emotional, empathizing with my 6 week postpartum self. I needed to hear I was a good mom from someone other than my husband or my mom. I needed to know that I wasn’t being judged everywhere I went and that I really was doing ok. That I was meant to be Holden’s mom and that I was doing a good job. I needed to know that my endless research, lack of sleep, all that I was going through was noticed. I felt like I was struggling and that Nathan was at ease being a new dad. I wrote about all of these feelings in my post, Being Honest About Postpartum Anxiety.

Tell all the new moms in your life that you see what they are going through. Tell them that you see how hard it can be. That you see how hard they work and how much love they give. That you see the exhaustion and the frustration and that despite it all they are rocking this new role. Tell them you respect this chapter of their life, and how transformative, challenging, and stressful it can be.

If nobody has told you that lately, even if you’re not a new mom, remember that you have the hardest job in the world. You are perfect for you baby/child and nobody on earth could mother him/her better!

-Alexa