In Bloom Doula Services

I loved being pregnant. I loved every second of it. I had an easy time conceiving, an easy pregnancy, and a perfect birth. In general I had easy introduction to motherhood. The going got tough during postpartum recovery. Even then, I don’t think I have too much to complain about. I didn’t struggle with birth trauma, an invasive c-section, severe tearing, or postpartum depression. I realized though, that recovery from pregnancy and labor is hard. It’s hard and long. “Bouncing back” is just not a realistic expectation. Even when it’s easy, it’s still so hard. Holden’s birth was pretty much 100% perfect, but the 4th trimester, although free of many struggles was the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. Its not enough that the whole pregnancy process affects your entire body, but it effects your mind too. So- lets break it down.

WEIGHT GAIN                                                                                          

Obviously your body will expand. I loved being pregnant so much, so I felt good. I felt like myself. I felt beautiful. Towards that end I had my moments of misery because I did feel big. I felt huge actually, but I would have never called myself a “whale” or shamed my pregnant body. I was much too proud of it to insult it, and I didn’t freak out over the scale much. I gained a reasonable 33 pound. I figured it would just melt off once I gave birth (because obviously I’d be amazing at that too-duh!) and it did. At my 6 week postpartum checkup I was only 5 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. BUT, I hit a wall, and started going backwards. I gained back about 10 pound because nobody tells you that you will be just as hungry, if not more hungry when you are exclusively breast feeding. I had intense cravings for big gourmet chocolate chip cookies, and not just one. I had maybe 3 or 4 huge cookies everyday for about 2 months. As well as daily milkshakes because I struggled to swallow my vitamins and supplements, so I blended them with ice cream and voila.

Now I’m trying to wrestle with this appetite and lose the weight, while maintaining my milk supply as I return to work. I want to work out, but I want to spend my evenings with my baby that I miss all day long. I want to eat healthy food, but I am constantly resorting to fast food, frozen dinners and school lunches in a time crunch or in moments of crazed hunger. Time is a luxury I don’t have much of these days, so grocery shopping and cooking fall to the bottom of my to-do list. You can call it an excuse, but there are only so many hours in the day and when I am in survival mode chicken nuggets make sense to me. For the time being I will give myself some grace, rock maternity pants (again), and I will worry about getting down to my desired weight when I am done breast feeding. My body made the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, so I can’t be too critical of it right?

HAIR/SKIN

During pregnancy I stopped shedding any hair at all. I already had think, long, hair. It grew incredibly fast and became ridiculously oily. No matter how recently I washed it. It was a greasy disaster. At the beginning of pregnancy my skin was glowey and clear. That lasted until about week 37 and BAM I was hit with back acne that I could not kick for months postpartum. In fact I am still dealing with it, and now the hair that I didn’t shed is falling out in clumps. On a whim I went and cut off 10 inches to donate, and dyed it dark to match my roots, so I wouldn’t have to spend hours in a salon maintaining blonde hair. I had hair cut remorse and missed my long locks, but realistically the cut was for the best. I am pushing six months postpartum now and can feel my ponytail shrinking with every wash and brush. I just keep pulling clumps of hair out. I can’t imagine what those ten extra inches would be doing now, but easy doesn’t always make me feel good. My hair is easier to wash now, that is for sure, but it doesn’t help my self esteem when my students raise their hand during a lesson to tell me to my face that my hair looked better long and blonde. This short, dark hair, with  pale, acne covered skin, a belly that resembles a water bed and strictly dressing in nursing friendly tops leaves me feeling less than cute to be honest.

Admitting that makes me feel stupid and vain. I have always been a low maintenance woman as far as appearances go. I dress for comfort. I’m a no make-up, hair in a bun kinda girl. But, I could make myself feel cute as needed. Looking at old pictures of my 21 year old college self doesn’t help either. I used to wear cute outfits, fix my hair, coordinate jewelry, and douse myself in glitter. Now I’m lucky if I don’t have spit up on my clothes, and even when I make the effort I still feel like a bum that smells like milk. Exhaustion mixed with fluctuating hormones, and drastic changes leaves me not feeling my best. Somedays I have to force myself to be gentle to the person I see in the mirror.

PREGNANCY/ BABY BRAIN

I’m just plain stupid now. Ok. Not stupid, but it really does feel that way sometimes. I find myself trying to open the gate to my driveway that is already open, looking for the glasses on my face, or the phone in my hand. I’ve wandered around the apartment unsure of what I am doing in that room, frequently lose my train of though, and mess up any attempt at making copies at work now. This has made returning to work HARD. Very hard to say the least, but again this is an area I’m giving myself some grace in. Being patient and kind to myself is the only way to make it through the day.

BREAST FEEDING

Quite possibly the hardest part of postpartum recovery. Breast feeding is hard. Its painful. Your nipples are sore, or possibly bloody, cracked, or blistered. Your back  and arms ache from contorting your body into a position to hold your baby up to you. Your boobs may be engorged and leaky, and leave you covered in milk. To top it off it is non-stop. Every two hours- maybe more in a cluster feeding frenzy, and this is all at its easiest with a good supply (or over supply) and no latch issues. When I first began breast feeding I honestly hated it, but out of convenience and sheer determination I continued to trudge through. The great part is, it gets easier. So much easier that I actually began to enjoy breast feeding and honestly I love it, now. My heart breaks at the thought of it ending one day. I’m glad we persevered and made it now a whole 5 and 1/2 months exclusively breastfed, but when I went back to work and a new battle began with the pump.

PUMPING  

I am now deep into the pumping  life and determined to make it to the end of the school year. Pumping Monday to Friday and being away from my son from 6am to 5pm is not an easy task. I try to fit in three sessions, but I usually only get in two. I am constantly counting ounces, drinking fluids, eating, and worrying about my supply. Although I will miss nursing, I will not miss pumping. Or dragging around my pump with me, and cleaning pump parts. Or wearing pumping accessible clothing. Although I am a proud pumper I will be the first to admit that it is a huge inconvenience.

“DOWN THERE”

For a vaginal delivery you go in hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. At least I did. You hear horror stories of third degree tears, uteruses falling out, hemorrhoids, all kinds of insanity. In my birth plan I specifically stated “no episiotomy,” and the thought of one makes me shutter. At 36 weeks I began chugging red raspberry leaf tea, taking evening primrose oil, and praying to God that my body would stay in tact after delivery. I feared the recovery phase, but I didn’t dwell on all the pain that childbirth entails beforehand, because worrying about something you can’t control is just senseless. I ended up with only a minor tear. I only needed one stitch to ease burning during urination. I only bled for about 2-3 weeks and had very minimal pain. In general I felt great, but I can not even begin to describe to you how sore I was. My butt and back ached from the intensity of the contractions and pushing. My joints ached and I moved so slowly. I was so stiff, that I felt like I aged years in the time I had been at the hospital to have this baby. I continued to doctor myself like I had major tears though. Changing pads frequently, using the peri bottle without fail, testing out various sprays, and making the most of those mesh undies from the hospital. It was a hassle for the two weeks following birth, but it is worth it because all is well now.

BOUNCING BACK

Physically my recovery was great. I felt good, just very sore and stiff. I knew many women take months to feel just ok again after tears or c-sections. For me just feeling normal took time. At almost 6 months postpartum I am just now regaining that “normal” feeling. I honestly thought I would never feel like myself again. On top of the weight gain, the skin and hair changes, the breastfeeding, I just felt off. It seemed to me that other women were sleeping, had energy to clean, and  do their hair and make-up, while I barely had the energy to shower. It took me a month to even have the desire to go into public places, and when I did it was a stressful production. I was scared to leave. To drive. To be in crowds of people. I was stiff, sore, tired, and anxious.  I started to wonder what was wrong with me. I thought I was just lazy. The truth of the matter is recovery takes time. It is not an overnight process. It may take months to get back your normal self. You may realized you have a new normal all together.

Recovery is different for every mom, but there is not much bounce to it. It gets better especially when given enough time. Just don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting your body and mind to return to it’s former self. Your body evolved over the course of nine months to grown a tiny human. It is likely that it will that that time and then some to change back. It may take weeks, months, or even years. It may not even happen at all. And that is OK. You may not be the you that you used to be, but now you are a mother and inevitably a better version of your former self. By giving your body to this sweet baby, that loves you despite the extra squish, the mom brain mistakes, and the exhaustion you have transformed. Maybe a little less toned, and a little more saggy. Maybe a little less put together, but all the more powerful and all the more mighty.