In Bloom Doula Services

I wrote this letter to Holden last year as we waited for the arrival of Waylon. Although Waylon was very much planned and wanted I still struggled with how this change may impact Holden. I was scared for the change from one to two. Now, a year later, I look back on these few months of my life and feel like a sense of peace. I can say that this was hands down the hardest year of my life, but it wasn’t because Holden was emotionally scared by the new addition; it was because having a baby and a toddler and a new job all at the same time is just hard period. It is normal to fear the unknown and fear for your children as big changes approach, and I am thankful now that I made a little tribute to capture that moment in our lives. I will cherish the alone time with Holden forever. It is something only he and I will ever have, and although it was only 19 months long it was so special and sweet. 

My precious baby boy,

Our time together as just the two of us is coming to an end. I can’t believe the incredible sadness I feel about it despite my love for your new baby brother. It’s like a punch to the stomach every time I think about all of the changes coming our way, or the moment I will leave you to head to the hospital to meet little brother. 

This is what I’ve always wanted: a family, lots of children, and siblings for you. I know I’m giving you a priceless gift, but I’m not sure I was prepared for all the emotions being stirred up.

This week you turned 18 months old. It’s a big month for you as you will become a brother. You got many praises from your doctor and are perfect in every way. I’ve been trying to soak in these “last moments” with you alone and brother on the inside. It hasn’t been easy as I’m so uncomfortable and sometimes exhausted and in pain. Our walks are shorter. Dinners less planned out. I often feel guilty that I’m not giving you enough.

I feel like no matter how much time we get I’m always going to be wishing there was a little bit more, so until your brother decides to show up, whenever that may be I’ll be lovin’ on you a little bit extra.

I hold you tightly and rub your back. Take in your smell and stare at your beautiful face. I steal a few extra kisses and sometimes cry as I cuddle you at night, afraid you’ll feel neglected in a few weeks when much of my time is devoted to our newest family member.

Your daddy talks about the plans he has for you this summer. Going to the pool, splash pads, and different parks with big slides we know you’ll enjoy. I can’t help but feel jealous. As much as I want alone time with baby brother, and rest time for me, I’m jealous that I’ll miss out on those fleeting summer moments. Right now everything is new and exciting to you. Simple things like feeding ducks in a pond and eating ice cream in the park are big adventures and I can’t help but feel sad that I will miss out on them.

I’m afraid for how life will change. How will you sleep at night when you’re no longer in bed with me? Will you feel replaced or ignored as I carry around baby, nurse baby, and tend to his every need? Will you like him and be interested in him, or just go on about your day? Will I be able to handle the changes without going crazy with a toddler and a baby?

My logical mind knows that this hard season will fly by and that you’ll be just fine. I know you’ll benefit from having a sibling in countless ways and cherish having a brother so close in age. A built in playmate, a best friend, and team mate. Someone you’ll be bonded with in a way that nobody else will be able to match.

You’ll learn to share, be compassionate and empathetic, and learn that in life you don’t come first every time… and that’s ok.

But my irrational mind worries that I cut your babyhood short, that you’ll go without, and that I’ll think I made a mistake. Will I realize a few weeks or months later that I set myself and family up for failure and that I can’t handle two under two, a full time job, and everything else life throws my way?

I worry about my newborn baby. Will I be able to bond with him in the way I bonded with you, but now with less alone time. Will I give him all he needs and give him the attention he deserves as my time and focus is split between the two of you. Will I be less of a mother to him? Will I love him just the same?

I remind myself that I am so blessed. How dare I rob myself of the joy of a new baby by focusing on my fears and doubts? So many women would love to be in my shoes and I should feel nothing but gratitude. I take it one day at a time. Roll with the punches. 

I remind myself this is all God’s timing. It may not be easy. I may not get it right all the time, but I come back to the conclusion that this is the plan God had for me, our family, and for the both of you. This is what was meant to be. You were meant to be brothers. I was meant to be the mother to both of you. So somehow it will all work out. Somehow it will all be just fine. Somehow all of your needs will be met with love. Somehow I’ll get the grace to make it through the trying times, and all will be for His glory. 

                                                                                       Love,

                                                                                           Your Momma