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Like many of my blog posts, I wrote this months ago, and never felt compelled to share it. That was until recently, when I saw a “scandal” of mom shaming involving the infamous Duggar family. Say/ think what you will about the Duggars, this post isn’t about that. It is about Jessa [Duggar] Seawald’s recent Instagam post that documented a slew of messes around her home. It was a light hearted post that was intended to make other moms feel less alone in the squalor they may find themselves buried in from time to time when you are busy with kids, and life, and all that may come with that. Instead, she was hatefully and viciously ridiculed by fellow busy moms who were quick to call her lazy, disgusting filthy, and even negligent. Commenters were quick to explain that they are “working moms of X number of children and they would NEVER let their home look like that.” Because it only takes 5 seconds to clean, obviously and Jessa just must be a lazy pig who doesn’t care about her family.

I ended up feeling quite defensive of Jessa Duggar. Not because I am her biggest fan, but because I have empathy for the overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted mother who gives all her energy to the people around her, and at the end of the day some days, weeks, and even months vacuuming just doesn’t seem so important. That may be because I am often in Jessa’s situation. I often find myself swamped by a disturbingly messy home that I cannot muster up the energy to clean.

I appreciate a clean home, I really do. In fact I love it, but in order to maintain a clean home SO MUCH work and energy is required. And that I just do not have. I am working an 11 hour day, on typically 5 hours of sleep, and trying to get in all my momming time in the evening. That along with trying to go on our evening walks, cook dinner, talk to my husband, bathe my child, read to him and feed him in the 4 hours I have with his during the evening. Not to mention resting, sleeping, and cleaning myself. Cleaning my home falls to the bottom of the priority list most days. I also just am not that bothered by a mess, but that is beside the point.

Don’t freak out, my family isn’t living in filth, but I feel a little defensive of my non-clean freak living. All too often I hear “if you know me, you know obsessive I am about cleaning” on Facebook, Youtube, and just from people in general. I hear that and just do not relate. I have never been bothered by dirty dishes in a sink (my college roommates can attest to that one) and I never will be honestly, but I’m hear to tell you fellow non-clean freak moms that it is ok. I am here to say that I am over the smug attitude that surrounds daily house hold chores when it comes to social media and adding one more thing to the list that we can quit shamming each other for. And I am here to let the clean freak moms who want to think they’re better than me or any other “messy mom” to go ahead and believe that then because I am doing the best I can, just like everyone else. I’m not losing any sleep over the dishes in the sink, or the laundry on the floor. Plus I think there are are few benefits to living a non-clean freak life.

1. Less exposure to chemicals

Think about all the chemicals! Since nesting took over the end of my pregnancy I’ve become hyper aware of the fact that my body will inevitably absorb something unnatural and possibly toxic and not just my body either. My family will too. I’ve resorted to using homemade cleaning products made from vinegar, baking soda and other natural ingredients and unfortunately spending a bit more money on the products I buy now. I buy different products now too. I use the Think Dirty app to see just where every product falls on the toxicity spectrum. It is eye opening and scary. Many agents and fragrances are carcinogenic and the less I expose my family to them- the better. Plus the smell of bleach makes me want to puke and I think that tells me all I need to know about it.

2. Sick less often!

I do believe in cleaning, but there is something to be said for a sterile enviornment and a weaker immune system. In fact the good bacteria is often killed with the bad, which we need to protect us. What is scary is that the bad bacteria can become resistant to antibiotics or cleaning agents. Less chemicals. Stronger immune systems. This has been my philosophy for most of my life and I didn’t just start refusing anti-bacterial hand soups and hand sanitizers when I became pregnant. I still believe in hand washing and cleaning I just don’t stress about germs and it has worked out for me thus far. 

3. Less stress because it NEVER stops!

The dishes will be there tomorrow, and unfortunately new dirty dishes will take the place of the freshly clean ones once  they’re gone. I admittedly have a bad habit of letting dishes, laundry or whatever it may be pile up and overwhelm me, but I also refuse to stay up an extra 30 minutes stressing about a mess that will regenerate itself tomorrow. The idea of going to bed with a clean kitchen can’t compete with the idea of sleep in my bed at the end of a long day. Maybe if I were a stay-at-home mom that had to spend the day in said messy home I would feel more obliged to clean it daily. Maybe I’d be able to clean up a little bit more then too without an 11 hour work day interfering with my cleaning schedule. But I’m not, and I refuse to be made to feel guilty or “lazy, dirty, filthy or negligent” because I’d rather ignore the dirty dishes and play with my son when I get home from a long day of missing him and working. I have enough to feel guilty about, like being gone all day. I don’t deserve to feel like a failure for not meeting another woman’s standards and neither should you.

4. Less anger because I am the only one who cares.

My husband doesn’t care, so why should I? I’m only two years deep into my marriage, but I’ve learned many lessons. One being my husband doesn’t seem to notice that 5 bags of trash are by the door, or that there are clumps of dog hair accumulating in the hallway corner. And if he is noticing it, it sure as hell doesn’t bother him. I sometimes sweep and dust in anger or with resentment building toward him. Keeping score of what I do and the fact that if I don’t sweep up all this dog fur nobody will. And if I sweep up the dog fur guess what! Nobody tells me thank you or good job or gives me a prize. Sometimes I need to be more like my husband and ignore the mess. Sometimes I need to gripe at him to get X,Y, and Z done because I just can’t do it alone, and there just aren’t enough hours in the day. He is always willing to help and as exhausting as being the house “manager” (if you will) can be; I am happy I am not doing any of it alone. 

So I decided it just doesn’t matter. I’m cutting off one more source of stress. I will clean as needed, but I will not stress over the small stuff. I will not get angry over hair balls. I will not come home from my 11 hour work day and fight with my best friend or waste time with my family worrying about something that simply doesn’t matter. There will be more bags of trash, there will be more hair balls, but there will not be another today and my baby is getting older every second. Being ok with the mess is not only ok, but can in fact be healthy mentally and emotionally. Don’t wallow in shame non-clean freak moms. You’re doing just fine. Don’t worry about the clean freak moms and enjoy your Netflix or whatever is consuming your time besides those dinner dishes. It can wait. Your family needs your company and you deserve to relax.

The moral of my story is that the mom shamming on every front needs to stop. I addressed that before when I wrote my piece The Real Mom Wars We Should Be Fighting. We all see the breastfeeding vs. formula debate, the co-sleepers getting into it with the cry-it-outters, and the working mommas duking it out with the stay at home moms. The list goes on and on. But when it comes to specific lifestyle habits that seemingly have nothing to do with parenting, moms still can get shots fired at them. This obviously happens when a particular mom deems another mother’s home as too messy, or her spending habits are too reckless, or she works out too much or not enough. Comparing ourselves to each other has got to be one of the most soul crushing things we can do to each other as humans. No mom is better or worse because she prioritizes cleaning, or is more efficient at it. The mom working out five times a week to maintain her ideal body weight is no better or worse than the mom who couldn’t care less about working out. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses that come into play when we are living life. Those comments may have been directed at Jessa, but they hurt my feelings too because I could see my home in that post. I end everyday exhausted with nothing else to give. I know I am doing my best just like most moms out there. If we approached each other with more compassion and empathy instead of insults and judgement I think we’d all be living happier lives.

Love,

Alexa <3