In Bloom Doula Services

I spent my entire life wanting to be a mom. At two, I asked for “baby bottles” for Christmas. As a little girl I played house with my neighbors and often had seven baby doll children, and one in my shirt. Every notebook I’ve ever had since I could write had been full of lists of names that I would use for my future children.

I often had thoughts like “well when I’m a mom we will always read books before bedtime,” or “I will save all of my barbies for my future daughter.” And I did! They’re in a box under my bed feet away from me. I spent years of my life day dreaming about the mother I would be and the family I would have, and now I am living that dream! I am married and have two little boys that I love to pieces. I get really excited about all the possibilities of what each day holds, even things that get commonly overlooked when days get busy.

I openly harbor a lot of grief about being a working mom, so that adds an element of “fleetingness” for me when it comes to various occasions and holidays. I don’t have all day or all week make my time with them count. I’ve got evenings, weekends, and vacations. It is so easy for the day to day checklist of chores and tasks take over my life that the little things pass me by. We are told that if the big things are taken care of then that day was a success, but the little things add up to big things and they matter so much too. Counting trucks on our walk and saying “hi” to the kitty cat. Singing “Jesus Loves Me” for the fifth time in a row, or reading Chicka Chika Boom Boom over and over again. Those little things add up to big things, and little things are happening all the time.

When holidays roll around I tend to get a little more excited for the little things that accompany each season. I find a lot of joy in taking photos of everything; I always have. I’m an avid scrapbooker, I have an album for everything (and trust me, even though it may not seem like it, there are many photos I do not share.) I especially love to photograph my boys and everything I may want to remember. I want to make their childhood special, not just for them but for me.

So holidays, seasons, and the days that don’t add much to that much, like St. Patrick’s day, become and excuse to do celebrate. I try to make the ordinary special even if it is a simple little way. You could say holiday donuts are my love language.

I’m self aware enough to realize that this isn’t just for them. It’s for me too. Motherhood is fun. I love it and want to make the most of it. I want to look back on each season, each holiday, each birthday and know that I did my best to savor it in and soak it up. I often tell myself sentiments like “this is the only 4th of July that they will be this little.” Or “this is the only Thanksgiving I will have a 6 month old and a two year old.” So I try to go out of my way to capture the preciousness of this time because it does go SO fast. It goes at a heartbreakingly fast pace. I blinked and Holden is two. People tell you to appreciate it, but I often am made to feel silly by my frequent picture taking or my excitement of buying baby winter hats.

Do photos matter? Not exactly. Are special holiday outfits important? Not really. They don’t mean I love my boys more or less, they don’t make me a better or worse mom, but they are the little things and they still count for something. That something is making motherhood fun.

I get some ridicule (from my husband) when it comes to one thing in particular- Honest co. seasonal diapers. I love them. I got suckered into a bundle and I’ve been excited about them ever since. They’re just so stinkin’ cute! Nathan thinks they’re stupid, and logically I can understand why. They are more expensive and they hold poop and pee, just to be thrown away and they go underneath clothes. You can’t even see them. However, still am so tickled every time I put my boys in a diaper and see cute pumpkin, snowflakes, or little hearts.

Festive prints make changing diapers a little bit more fun, and with as hard as motherhood is, why shouldn’t I be allowed to make diaper changing more fun. Why should we feel guilted about celebrating the little things like taking a ton of pictures of our babies in a pumpkin patch, or a field of wild flowers?

Sooner than later I won’t have a baby and a two year old. I won’t have babies at all. I will have kids! Kids with busy schedules and after school activities. Teenagers with homework, games, friends and maybe even a job. They won’t want to spend their Halloween with me. They will have girlfriends to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. I won’t be able to get them in matching outfits for each holiday and they probably won’t partake in activities like a trip to a Christmas tree farm for pictures with Santa. Then I’ll have college kids or adults that are on their own and I may only see every few weeks.

When I think of how fleeting this season is, this season of babyhood where the little things can sometimes get over looked by stress, time, money or exhaustion, I suddenly feel no shame in my excessive picture taking, or the joy that comes with ordering holiday diapers or buying a 6 dollar Halloween onesie.

Instead I revel in it. I soak it up and enjoy it more. Those may be trivial little things that seemingly don’t matter, but in the big scheme of things they add up to something. Even if it’s just me enjoying motherhood to the fullest. What’s wrong with that? It is what I have waited my entire life to experience. 

I live for those little things. I want my boys to grow up with memories full of little things. Lord knows we won’t be able to afford those big things like fancy birthday parties, exotic family vacations or expensive Christmas presents. My boys will grow up with a life of hand me down clothing, shared bedrooms and won’t get everything they want whenever they want it, but they will have things that are priceless and irreplaceable. 

A mom who tried to make little things special, a mom who was enthusiastic about day to day happenings that get over looked and fall to the back burner when life gets crazy. Memories and experiences of life happening around them and photos capturing moments that I know I will one day long to get back.

I frequently make lists of to dos in my planner and have made it a point to prioritize these little things. Books before bedtime is just as important and my spreadsheet of data that is due. 45 minuets of singing songs and counting hot wheels cars is just as important as the faculty meeting. Taking pictures on our walks in front of the beautiful fall leaves isn’t stupid or silly because it’s not high on the priority when it comes to work, taking pictures is important because I enjoy it, and this is our lives. This is the season of motherhood that I daydreamed about for so long. Capturing it and taking full advantage of each moment helps me feel like the mother I want to be.

Some days are survival days. Are we safe, fed, and loved? Then today was a success, but its soul crushing to live a life that is all business, all work and schedules and rushing to clean bottles. We aren’t just employees and moms who run a bedtime routine in the evening.

I will not worry about being “over the top.” I’m making memories for my boys, but memories for myself also. I only get one shot at motherhood and I don’t want to look back on their baby years and think I missed out if overlooked a thing because I was worried about a clean house, work, or stressed about a strict schedule. I want to know that I squeezed every drop of goodness that I possibly could out of these days, and I’ll start with the little things.