In Bloom Doula Services

Three months ago I underwent emergency surgery for an ectopic rupture repair. I’ve taken the time between then and now to really process it all and how I feel about it. Especially after experiencing a miscarriage almost exactly two years prior. It’s been a lot. Physically, emotionally, and in practically every way. I feel like now is the time to share some more about it all because above anything I hope sharing my story will bring some awareness to what ectopic pregnancies are and what they entail. I have been searching high and low on Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube for ectopic pregnancy stories and they are few and far between. People understand and sympathize over miscarriages, but ectopic pregnancies are a little more complex and despite my history of so much reproductive health education, birth work and just my love and fascination with all things pregnancy related in general I was still so caught off guard by this entire experience.

So I’ll start from the beginning. Throughout the beginning of the last week of September I felt consistently “off.” For lack of a better word. I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was wrong but I didn’t feel right. I was irritable with my kids, my stomach hurt, I had food aversions and brief waves of nausea. I would have thought I could be pregnant but two and a half weeks prior had what I thought was a period. I’d been really emotional and craving Neapolitan ice cream, which was weird, and suspected a possible pregnancy with plans to take a test on the 16th. I tested every two weeks because I hadn’t had a period since having Ruston and wanted to catch a pregnancy of it happened since there’s always the possibility of catching that first ovulation, but before I could test I had a very heavy, very long, very unusual period. I just thought it must be because it’s my first one since having Ruston over a year prior. It will regulate soon enough. This is why pregnancy never crossed my mind despite so many pregnancy symptoms.

So after a few days of feeling off, and over 2 weeks after the alleged period, I started bleeding again. Very strange for me to spot in between periods. The bleeding would come and go throughout the next few days and be accompanied by very strong abdominal pains. It felt like early labor. Tuesday night it stormed very hard. I wasn’t sure if I woke up from pains or thunder. I was up for over 2 hours due to the intense pain. I laid down with the heating pad and then wake up the next day feeling fine again.

Wednesday the 29th I got the sudden urge to take a test. I feel like it was a God thing because had I not known I was pregnant I’m not sure I would have gone to the ER when I did. I got a very sudden strong urge to test and did so immediately. Usually I’m testing ASAP in anticipation of a pregnancy, never so spontaneously just to rule it out. But I’m thankful I did because instantly I saw a dark, bold positive line. I was floored. I wasn’t expecting it at all, and I was immediately confused by dates, nervous about all the previous bleeding, shocked at how I didn’t know and how fast and dark the line appeared. I started to get excited because that must mean my HCG level is high. I thought maybe I had a sub chorionic hemorrhage and that’s what the bleeding has been and everything is fine! I started to get hopeful.

I FaceTimed my sister in law to process it all. I thought Nathan’s birthday is 2 days away – I could surprise him with this news! I started figuring out dates and figured I was between 7 & 8 weeks and due mid to late May. We were pumped to have babies so close in age again, and I thought it was so cool that all 3 of us (me and my 2 sister in laws) were all pregnant at the same time. Then I called my birth center talking really fast and out of breath asking to come in ASAP because I was concerned about the bleeding, but hopeful about that dark positive line. They said they could get in on Thursday.

Out of fear that something could be wrong I decided to tell Nathan when he got home instead of possibly surprising him with bad news on his birthday, which in hindsight was a good call. He wasn’t initially excited, but worried about the concerning signs. I felt very detached from this pregnancy now. I worried that I had passed the baby already and not known because I wasn’t looking for them. I was mad at myself for going this long not knowing I was pregnant at all kicking myself for missing the obvious signs. How could a little life come and go without me knowing they were there?

Thursday I tested again and found an even darker line. I was comforted by the HCG going up even more. I took my kids to my sister in law and went to my appointment. I was still talking fast and excited/confused and tried to explain the dates and all that had gone on in the months prior, but I’d never met this person before so the report wasn’t there. She didn’t know me or my history and what I know about early pregnancy. The enthusiasm wasn’t mutual. She suggested that we just do a blood panel for the most accurate information. She implied I was much earlier than I thought even though I knew that wasn’t possible based on dates. I am very in the know when it comes to that. I track everything. I said I’d still like to do an ultrasound, so I laid on the exam table and peered over to see the screen that was tilted away from my view. I knew there was nothing there, and she tried to gloss over the blank ultrasound and empty uterus with a “you’re probably just much earlier than you think and it is just too small to see.” I felt like she must think I’m an idiot and tried to explain that it’s really not possible. I assumed I must have passed the baby already and will just wait on blood test results for answers. I broke down for the first time over the course of these days and told her “I just have a really bad feeling about this.”

As I reviewed all the pieces of information I had and waited for my blood test results the next day I couldn’t wrap my head around these persistent symptoms of bleeding and cramps, but also another pregnancy test with a strong dark line, but empty uterus. I started googling and suspected maybe it could be an ectopic pregnancy, but didn’t want to go there just yet.

An ectopic pregnancy is when a fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus. The baby can only develop outside of the uterus for so long until it ruptures. A baby can’t survive outside of the uterus, and if it does rupture it will cause internal bleeding for the mother. This is very serious and life threatening. It requires surgery to fix or it will become deadly.

Friday was Nathan’s birthday, so the boys and I tried to decorate and clean for a little party, but I was in a down mood anticipating another miscarriage and started bleeding that morning and felt pretty bad. My brother and sister in laws were coming over for dinner that evening and as the time they were all coming approached I started to feel worse and worse. I iced the birthday cake with Holden taking breaks to lean over the counter as the pain got more intense. My gut told me something was wrong. I hesitated to call my midwife since it was a Friday evening, but I knew if it was ectopic like I thought it might be then it couldn’t wait. So I texted her “I don’t want to be a hypochondriac but I think it might be ectopic.” She checked my levels and said to come right in. I started to panic a little bit, and was embarrassed to be emotional and erratic and leave right as our company got there. But it was actually a blessing in disguise because there’s nobody else I’d be more comfortable to leave my kids with unplanned like that with than my sister in laws. Despite knowing how serious an ectopic pregnancy is I still didn’t really register that I would be gone overnight.

We got to the birth center around 7. My midwife actually consulted my old midwife I delivered Holden and Waylon with and examined me. Just like a few days prior there was a mom in labor there at the same time. I felt nervous and scared. My midwife told me my HCG was very high and did place me between 7-8 weeks pregnant, but my progesterone was extremely low and with no baby visible on the ultrasound she too suspected an ectopic and sent me to the ER.

At the ER I tried to hide my nerves and just stay calm and composed. I checked in with directions from my midwife, so I was seen quite quickly. Another blood draw, exam, urine sample. Back to the waiting room. Around us we see people on oxygen, people with masks, people in wheelchairs. I got an IV and tried to get comfortable as we waited for 2 more hours to be seen for a diagnostic ultrasound. Finally got called back and it took an hour in a freezing cold room. I laid on the table in the dark cold room as the tech clicked and took dozens of pictures in silence. At this point it wasn’t even a question as to what was happening. I asked if she saw a baby and she said “I see a lot of blood.”

Once it was completed I went back to the waiting room. I was offered morphine but denied it because I knew bleeding internally could cause pain in your shoulders or while taking deep breaths. I didn’t want to not be aware of what was happening in my body, and I was experiencing those signs. Finally, just after midnight I got called back to see the doctor after they reviewed my sonogram.

They told me what I already knew, an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured sometime that evening and had caused internal bleeding, so I’d need surgery within the next hour, and from there it kind of got blurry. Not sure why hearing the actual diagnosis made it all hurt worse. From then on I couldn’t stop crying, but crying hurt when I tried to breathe deeply, so silent tears rolled down my face as we tried to let our family know what was going on. I finally got some morphine that felt awful at first, but then helped a lot. It felt like I couldn’t breathe and I could feel it pulse through my body and then it felt better.

At that point I just wanted to be knocked out. The pain was excruciating and I just wanted this ordeal to be over. I remember just laying there wishing the obgyn would come in so we could get the show on the road. I felt so awful that I wanted the surgery now though just end the pain.

The obgyn finally visited me and said we’d prep for surgery. I’d most likely lose my left Fallopian tube and explained they’d do the surgery laparoscopically. In pre-op I had a very sweet nurse who asked me a lot of questions, but then gave me a lot of “I’m not sure” answers to my questions. A less warm nurse told me that the baby would not be returned to me, but sent to pathology and from there buried in the little plot at the hospital. Hearing stuff like this upset Nathan. I had to take my contacts out which made everything worse because now I’m nervous, in pain and blind. Nathan was awesome and took care of everything and held my hand until I was wheeled back to the OR. The last thing I remember is being put out by breathing in an oxygen mask.

I woke up in post op very briefly. They tell you that coming off the drugs you’ll be emotional and that was true. I remember telling Nathan “I’m sad.” And then going back to sleep. I woke up again blind in my recovery room with rock hard boobs because I hadn’t nursed Ruston in over 12 hours at that point, and in even worse pain than before. I called the nurse for more drugs and to get me a pump and help me go to the bathroom. It was confirmed I lost my left tube, and a liter of blood. So that contributed to me feeling so terrible.

Nathan went home to get my glasses and clean clothes for me to wear home. When I finally put my glasses on I look up to see pictures of babies and infant care info graphics. I was in a labor and delivery overflow room and that stung a little. I told the nurse “it sucks to wake up in labor and delivery without a baby.” I could tell it made her uncomfortable, but I wasn’t in the mood to be polite for her comfort. I wanted to go home and sleep. Had a lot of emotional ups and downs only to land on feeling a little bit numb and in shock from all that had happened in such a short period of time. The whiplash of going from yay I’m pregnant to the sorrow of the loss and worry for what that means for my future left me feeling drained.

I spent the next week in pajamas. I had a lot of help and felt very loved and supported by my family and church. People brought meals and sent texts, flowers, cards and gifts. I took advantage of the help I had on hand and took naps with Ruston each day.

I’ve heard about days in your life that change your so deeply. There’s life before that day and then life after that. This was one of those times.

The first thing I did after it all was go to church the following Sunday. I was dreading it but also looking forward to it. I knew everyone would ask me about it, and I knew I’d be a mess, but I can honestly say that’s so much better than people you think care about you ignoring it all together because I’ve experienced both. The hugs and tears and condolences hurt way less than people pretending it didn’t happen. Once that was behind me I felt like I could/should start taking steps to move forward as opposed to wallow in my self pity/grief.

On the next Tuesday, only 10 days after – my newest niece was born. An incredibly emotional day.

My other sister in law confirmed her due date would also be May, and that she’s having a boy.

Other friends had their babies and announced pregnancies.

Holden had a birthday and holidays came and went.

Life has kept going on around me, and I knew that it would, but I didn’t realize how much that would hurt. Two weeks after I went to my follow up appointment with my midwife and saw the mom and baby who were in labor the night I was there before. I kind of realized that this is going to be my life for a while. Being the one on the other side. But having those prior joys of healthy and thriving pregnancies doesn’t make the sorrow of losses hurt any less.

So I guess I will end it with that. I’ll probably write a follow up blog about the grieving process because it’s been a lot. It’s been hard. It’s been different from my miscarriage in several ways. And it’s worth sharing if it’ll help fill the void of stories I was searching for but having a hard time finding. One thing that has given me comfort has been other people relating to and sharing their miscarriage stories with me. But unlike miscarriages, I can’t find near as many stories and don’t know near as many people who have gone through this specifically.

The loss of a baby. The loss of my Fallopian tube, and it’s impact on future pregnancies. Healing from a surgery. And all of it happening so suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s been really traumatic and lonely.

Here are some stats and facts on ectopics just because the more you know could help save a life – literally.

• about 1 in 80 pregnancies will be ectopic

• there is no way to save an ectopic pregnancy or make it viable, but there are 2 different treatments: methotrexate as an injection or surgery

• ectopics can and usually implant in the Fallopian tubes, but can also be on the cervix, ovaries, or elsewhere in the abdomen

•having prior abdominal surgery, STIs, endometrial, smoking, fertility treatments, prior ectopics, and IUDs can all increase your chances of an ectopic pregnancy, but usually the cause is unknown

I know some people think these are things that shouldn’t be shared, especially on something so public like Instagram, but I cannot fathom how lonely it would all feel without social media. If I had gone through a miscarriage and an ectopic with just my family and friends I wouldn’t know so many or any people who had so openly shared their experiences, and would know absolutely no one who had gone through an ectopic. Knowing I’m not alone in that pain is SO HELPFUL, so hopefully someone else can say the same while reading this.