In Bloom Doula Services

I re-read Holden and Waylon’s birth stories prior to Ruston being born and saw that I began both of their stories with the start of my maternity leave. This pregnancy is different in many ways: I have two toddlers this go round, it is smack dab in the midst of a pandemic, social turmoil, it began a month following a miscarriage and it is my first pregnancy as a stay at home mom/doula. So maternity leave was kind of nonexistent. I worked with two postpartum clients up until I was 38 weeks pregnant and figured late and far drives weren’t safe or a good idea when labor was on the horizon.

I spent the next two weeks in a flustered state of nesting. I wanted to have everything we’d need, a clean house, and game plan for the older boys. This state of always being ready and prepared began to exhaust me and I found myself getting agitated at Holden and Waylon. Nothing was fun or easy to do with them in the heat of August in Texas, and nothing indoors is open because of social distancing policies. I was just at a point where I was ready to move on and be done with the waiting. Week 39 brought two hurricanes headed toward our area in east Texas and rolling blackouts, which added to my irritability. I was now in panic mode thinking I would be in labor and flooded in my neighborhood, unable to get to the birth center, or 40 weeks pregnant without power. I kept thinking, “if we make it to Friday… we will be ok.” Thankfully we did, and I headed to a check in with my midwife on my due date, August 29th. I have never been dilated at a check prior to labor, so I was surprised to find out that I was 3 cm dilated, which meant I could get a membrane sweep if I wanted. I chose the sweep and went home thinking labor was imminent.

Then I woke up Sunday morning with no contractions, so my midwife said I could come back and get a more invasive sweep if I wanted… so I did. Low and behold now I was at 4cm, and I got the invasive sweep expecting a baby that day. A few hours later I lost my mucus plug. I just knew this meant labor was beginning soon, but nothing changed. I was insanely stir crazy hanging out at my house with nothing to do but wait. I took a shower, bounced on my ball, did my circuits, and told my doula I was thinking about getting my pump out to try and encourage contractions. She told me to instead just relax and take a breath. I was only 40 +1 and baby will come when he is ready, so that is exactly what I did.

Monday we spent the day hanging out with my sister-in-law. I wanted to get out of my house, keep my boys busy, keep my mind off of being “overdue.” But for days now I had been having sporadic contractions and knowing that I was at least 4 cm dilated began to wear on my patience mentally. I was just very over it. I was in a bad mood, irritable with my boys and unfortunately they could tell.

On Tuesday, September 1st, we had our weekly appointment, which gave me the chance to talk out some of my frustrations. I took the boys to McDonalds and laid down with them, put a movie on, and took a nap. At 4:45 Waylon woke me up asking me for “wader.” So I rolled off the couch and instantly felt a spilling sensation in my pants. As if someone dumped a small cup out into my underwear. It didn’t feel like peeing my pants at all. So I got Waylon some water and decided to test out what was going on. I put a pad in and within minuets it was drenched, and just smelled like birth, a smell I am quite familiar with now. I called my doula and midwife letting them know I was almost 100% that my water had just broken.

This was a complete 180 from my previous labors where I began contracting, went into labor, and then had my water break moments before my babies were born. My water broke with no contractions, so I tried to figure out a plan for Holden and Waylon. Our original plan was to take them to the birth center with us, and have Nathan’s grandma meet us there and take them home when need be (in case I had a really rapid labor, and couldn’t wait at home for someone to get to us.) However, earlier that day she called me to let me know her car broke down, so I was hustling trying to come up with a plan B and C.

About an hour later contractions finally started. Nathan was home from work, we had a plan for the boys, so I went in my room to labor alone. I played my birth playlist, sat on my ball, diffused lavender, got into the bath. It was the calmest, easiest laboring ever. It had me thinking that labor ain’t no thing! My contractions were long, and very close together, only 2-3 minutes apart, but not that painful. I thought it was going to be my easiest labor until one major contraction happened around 8 pm and I knew we needed to go to the birth center immediately.

The car ride was fine, but the moment I stood up out of the car something changed. The contractions got turned up to 11. The pressure was so intense and the contractions so close together that it felt as if I just had one hour and a half long contraction. Even when they ended I had no relief. I kept saying “oh my God, these are relentless!” I labored on the bed on my knees, and the toilet for a while, then back on the bed. I know I was in transition because my focus shifted from everything going on around me to everything I was feeling, and tuning out the rest. And now that last hour and a half is very hazy.

All I remember thinking is that it felt never ending, and I just couldn’t find a place or position I was comfortable in. I was also mad at myself for spending the last days of pregnancy in such a crummy mood. I finally decided to get in the bath tub. The tub is magical. I didn’t even realize how much it helped until I tried to stand up and then felt gravity pull my belly down and I knew I wasn’t getting out of that tub until he was born.

I shifted around the tub sitting, kneeling, laying on my side. I kept thinking that I couldn’t get grounded. I wanted to plant myself down and push. My doula poured cold water on my back, and put a cold rag on my neck, which felt like heaven. I told everyone over and over again that I didn’t want to do this. I started begging him, “come out baby!” I could feel it all, and knew what was coming, and I didn’t want to do it. There aren’t any other words I can find to describe that feeling, but I finally found the spot I wanted on my knees, bracing the side of the tub and prepared to bare down and face it head on, and push him through.

Right now the sensations are fresh enough in my mind to have the slightest memory of what that feels like, but it is a feeling I know I will soon forget and then once I’m at that point again it’ll come flooding back. I knew I was right at the end and about to meet my third son. I heard Nathan say “I remember these noises.” The noises that only come out when you are in your most primal state of being and just listening to your body tell you what to do.

I hadn’t had any vaginal checks since being in labor. I had no monitoring other than baby’s heart rate being checked periodically. I had no IV, no interference, no interruptions. Just a very calm and peaceful space to support me doing what I needed to do on my own. The most perfect birth experience I could ever dream of.

After what my midwife says was 6 minutes of pushing, at 10:30 pm, I felt the sweet relief of my baby leave my body. I reached down into the water and grabbed him, pulling him to my chest and sitting back to see his face. He was much like the environment he was born into: quiet and calm, no crying at all. My first thought of him was that he looked just like Holden, but with hair. I just held him close and kissed his head and tried to soak in the moment of meeting my new baby. A moment I was worried would never happen again, but thankfully did happen in the most beautiful way I could have ever imagined. The only bad part is that it just flies by so fast in a blur of emotions and dozens of thoughts. His soft skin, long fingers and wrinkly hands and feet, his hair full of vernix, his sweet smell.

After I finished the birth (delivered the placenta) I handed him to Nathan so I could get cleaned up, get out and go to the bed. Thats when he began to cry, from the shock of the cold air out of the warm bath. Once I got settled in the bed I had the shakes again pretty bad, so I drank juice and ate snacks with warm blankets on, trying to get comfortable again. Snuggling baby to me and trying to nurse again for the first time. I felt like it was only right for my first meal to be Whataburger since it is what I had right before going into labor with Holden and was my first meal after Waylon was born. Plus, it was the only thing open at that point. We Facetimed my mom, and called Nathan’s grandma to bring the older boys to the birth center to meet their brother.

We took baby’s weight and measurement. 8.33 lbs and 19 3/4 inches long. And then continued skin to skin and snuggling until big brothers arrived. I wanted them to be there to get pictures of them meeting Ruston, just like I had done at my previous births. I didn’t have a specific posed photo in mind, just their natural reactions. Unfortunately, at that point it was midnight and they were both asleep. Waylon was impossible to wake up, and Holden woke up grumpy, wanting nothing to do with baby or me. I was crushed. I had envisioned a sweet moment of their excitement, and that wasn’t happening. That disappointment combined with the emotions of birth and looking at all three of my sweet boys together I just broke down crying. But… my birth photographer, Stephanie Shirley, is a genius. She laid baby next to Waylon and he curled up with him, and Nathan laid down with Holden, making our first photo as a family of five.

I got up to take my tea bath with baby, which was amazing. It also intrigued Holden and he ended up coming out of his funk. He wanted to see, hold and love on baby, which made me so happy. Ruston loved the bath and was so calm and peaceful, just like he had been right after birth, and continues to be almost three weeks later. I heard Elton John’s “Your Song” playing in the background, and the tears came flooding back.

“I hope you don’t mind, that I put down in words… How wonderful life is now that you’re in the world”

I still get choked up just thinking of those lyrics. Such a beautiful, peaceful, empowering birth experience. My ideal birth experience: no one challenging me listening to my body, imposing any policies or doubts on me. I was surrounded by nothing but supportive people who knew I was capable, and knew exactly how to help me believe that myself again.

I left my birth feeling a bit disappointment with how I coped through labor. Almost embarrassed or ashamed that I felt as if I let the pain of labor get the best of me. So much so that I felt like all I did throughout active labor was complain about how horrible the pain was. And whine that “I don’t wanna do this.” I thought to myself I had everything go so perfectly: a great pregnancy, an amazing midwife and prenatal care at a beautiful birth center, my same birth team with my that has been nothing but supportive and encouraging of me, a swift labor (only 4 hours long) and I couldn’t get it together.

But then I saw all these birth photos and was just blown away. I didn’t see someone overwhelmed by pain and whining. I saw myself being strong and capable. I saw the beauty of my baby’s birth. I am so thankful for these photos and the opportunity to see myself through another point of view. Owning being proud of my birth and myself and what I accomplished, despite some complaints is much easier now.

After our tea bath we sent the boys home, got dressed and rested a bit, packed up our things and brought our new baby boy home at 2:30 am. To our surprise the older boys were still awake and now eager to meet their new baby brother. Leaning into his carseat to plant kisses on his face and asking to “hold him! Please mama!”

I still can’t believe I have three babies! And after so much happening in a pretty wild year, and following our loss last November, Ruston Hayes is certainly a rainbow after many storms, and the highlight of 2020.

Midwifery Care from Bliss Birth Center with Trish Perkins

Doula Care from Rebel Birth + Labor Enabler

Birth Photography by Stephanie Shirley