In Bloom Doula Services

What I have learned, throughout my now two years of pregnancy/motherhood, is that just because people have raised a child doesn’t make them an expert, but it sure does give them opinions (said blogger sharing opinions with the world.)

From the time I got pregnant with my first, I was constantly bombarded with advice. From my mom, my family, my friends, my in-laws. Then of course google, Facebook groups, and baby apps say one thing. Your doctor, midwife or doula say another. Life quickly gets overwhelming and stressful. Much of the advice is welcomed, helpful and genuinely comes from a good place. The good Is often overshadowed by the bad, and I’m telling you there were some doozies. I was scolded for/about:

• Lifting my arms over my head, seriously! Evidently it is believed it’ll wrap the baby’s umbilical chord around their neck… because, that makes sense.
• Told by complete strangers that I “better not have that baby in my bed with me.”
• Told that the way I held Holden would make him bow legged
• Told not to tickle him or he’d have a stutter
• Have a co-worker refuse to share her pot luck, sweet tea with me because I am not allowed to drink caffeine
• People tell you to have kids close together, others tell you to space them out

And SO much more. You name it, I’ve heard it.

It’s hard to feel confident as a first time mom, but before all the advice I really was. I had studied pregnancy/birth in college. I was constantly doing research and reading on everything baby related under the sun. I consulted my doula and midwife, who were actual professionals. But I somehow let it all get to me and second guess everything I thought I knew.

All of it began to make me spiral once I brought my son home. I suddenly felt completely inadequate. I had no business being a mother. “I have no clue what I’m doing here” crossed my mind daily.  I wrote about this more in Being Honest About Postpartum Anxiety. I’d panic and resort to google and then panic some more (I still do this, honestly). I’d call my midwife or text my doula and they would assure me that I’m not only doing things the right way, that I was doing a great job! I was doing a great job as I followed my instincts and listened to them. My gut was right. Nobody knows my child better than me. Nobody has the right to question that.

I suggest you find the voices you trust (ie. a midwife and doula) and then block out the rest. Too much input can crash your symptom. Riddle you with anxiety and at the end of the day it prevents you from enjoying your baby. The newborn days are fleeting. You have no time to spare on useless worrying. I know that is much easier said than done, but ignore the random stranger, the nosey coworker, the old school aunt. Ignore the troll on the Facebook group, ignore anyone who doubts your choices.

The most important thing to remember is that no mother or baby, or family for that matter are the same. Each person is born with their own personality and preferences. No baby will sleep the same, eat the same, or behave the same. No mom will heal on the same time table or in the same way. Every breastfeeding relationship is different and everything all boils down to what works for you as a mom. Some well meaning relative or friend may have some good advice that is completely irrelevant to you and it is OK to ignore them. It is also OK to ignore some professional advice. I did. I wrote all about it in my post Why I Dumped My Pediatrician. If something goes against your better judgement- don’t do it.

This sentiment holds true as I frequently interact with some old school family members. Everyone had something to say about how long I breastfed, how long I co-slept, and when I should begin to potty train. Now that I am pregnant again, I am frequently told that I need to wait several years to have another baby. People are alarmed that I wanted two so close together and worry that I may do it again. When the truth of the matter is, the only one who any of those choices concern is my my children, husband and I. I’m not trying to say that I know it all because I don’t. I just know that doing what works for me, and feels right is the best. I love to hear the input of those I trust, but that doesn’t include everyone I meet.

The advice won’t stop at birth either. It continues to annoy me, but I just smile and nod and ignore. You are equipped with all the tools you need to be a mom that is mighty.