In Bloom Doula Services

Dear baby boy,

One year ago I started having contractions just after midnight. I woke up your dad and called our birth team to head to the hospital to meet you for the first time. You came into the world on a late Sunday morning. I looked at your face for the first time and couldn’t believe that we were now each other’s.

I’ve spent the past 12 months obsessing over the joy and light you bring to my life. Of all the mothers in the world, God chose me for you. I am forever grateful and so overwhelmed by love. We’ve had such a wonderful year. Your first smiles and giggles, movements, bites of food, and first new views of the world. All the holidays we celebrated and the family you met. You’ve traveled to three states, you’ve swam, flown in a plane, and moved with us to our first house. We have made so many beautiful memories as a family of three.

You love to dance, especially to “Look What You Made Me Do” and “DNA.” You love to clap whenever anyone cheers and read books. You think its hilarious to share and throw food to Kirby and love to go on walks to the park (where you never want to leave.) You can climb anything, and have a blast taking baths and splashing me! You brush my hair and put on our shoes. You think peek-a-boo is hilarious and love to play with random odds and ends; anything other than toys bought specifically for you. You love to yell “Whooo!” even though I am not sure what you mean by it  and you can even stand on the skateboard on your own. I’m so proud of you and all you can do. I’m so proud of the little person you are and can’t wait to see who you become.

I’ve tried to soak it all in. I’ve tried to consciously breathe in your baby smell and focus on your soft skin and precious expressions. I’ve tried to enjoy every minute and hang on to every last second as I watch them fly past. I’ve tried so hard to be in the moment, but I’m still so worried it’s not enough. I’m terrified to lose these moments. If I could rewind this year to relive it all over again I would in a heartbeat.

See I waited my entire life to be your momma. It’s the most fulfilling, inspiring, challenging and incredible thing I’ve ever done. And now it’s going by so fast. I can’t hold on to these moments no matter how hard I try. So even though I want to celebrate this year and all you’ve accomplished, I can’t help but be heartbroken at the fact that this is so fleeting. That your babyhood is ending and soon you’ll be a toddler, then a child, and a man not long after that and all I’ll have left are pictures and memories of the baby you were.

I want to hold you longer and cuddle you more. As I write this tears fall down my face and I look at you asleep in my lap on my breast. You little hand holding my shirt with nails you refuse to let me cut. This time next year you’ll be a big brother. You probably won’t sleep on my like this or nurse to sleep. You won’t need me like you do right now and it is the most bittersweet feeling because as sad as it makes me- I’m excited for that too!

I’m excited for your first thanksgiving meal, and Christmas time where you can open your presents and admire the lights. Your first words and our conversations I can’t wait to have. All the new milestones you’ll hit in the next 6 months and all the new things you’ll learn. You’ll meet your new baby brother or sister and I can’t wait to see the wonderful big brother you will be.

One day I’ll put your art on my fridge, and cheer you on in little league games. I’ll see your name on a roster at school, buy you school supplies and pack your lunches. You’ll grow up so fast and I know I’ll feel this happy heartbreak year after year as you get older and time continues to fly by.
I’m young now and so are you, but that won’t be the case in 30, 40 years from now and I know I’ll be wondering where those years went too.

So today I’ll spend the day, exactly to same way I did last year. Studying your face, soaking in your smell and holding you close to my heart. I’ll start your second year the same way I started your first; with you in my arms. And I’ll try to be happy about all we have to look forward to instead of heartbroken over how fast this year has flown by. I’ll try not to beat myself up for the times I lost my patience because I was tired or overwhelmed and wasn’t concerned about soaking it in. I’ll try to be grateful for all the memories I’ll just keep in my heart and that I have another year to do it all over again.