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*Disclaimer this is not an anti-feminsim piece. It is just honest thoughts from a woman who considers herself a feminist, but is having conflicting feelings about the choices I have made*

As little girls we are told constantly that we can be anything and everything we want to be when we grow up. As a little girl of the 90’s, I was surrounded my strong women. My mom taught high school english full time, got her master’s degree and raised two children. I sang and danced to the Spice Girls who declared “girl power” was cool. I was the pink ranger for Halloween. I read Harry Potter and loved the feminist heroine, Hermione. Everyday when I came home from school I watched Oprah with my mom, who to me was everything a strong woman represented. Intelligent, opinionated, compassionate, and empowered. Female empowerment surrounded me. I never felt like I couldn’t do or be anything I ever wanted.

The problem was I didn’t want to be anything when I grew up. There was no career that called my name. No dream I wanted to achieve. The only thing I knew I wanted to be when I grew up was a mother, and it seemed to me that motherhood didn’t count when it came to that anything I could be. You didn’t need to just be a mother when you could be that AND a doctor, lawyer, or astronaut. Was something wrong with me that I didn’t have big aspirations or dreams of being a successful career woman, a lawyer or a doctor? Was I selling myself short? Was I a disgrace to all the women who fought for equal rights, that I didn’t care about entering the work force. No job seemed like something I would want to be when I “grew up.” But this question kept being asked. Saying “a mom” seemed like a half answer. Was I lazy or uninteresting if my passions and interests stopped there? This idea of bored 50’s housewives or oppressed, cooped up stay-at-home moms has permeated our culture. I’m not sure why or how, but I figured that being JUST a mom was not enough. I was not only encouraged to explore other options. I was expected to.

I went to college at 18 years old like many young women do. I went to The University of Texas because I thought it was the best and decided to major in social work because I thought it matched what I was interested in the best. I did not ever really dream of going to college, but what else do you do when you’re 18? When you finish high school, you go to college. I had no business getting married or having a baby then. I grew up and went to college fully embracing the title feminist. I loved being a woman. I went off to college waving my feminist flag, started social work school and quickly learned what I was in for. I learned that not all feminists are crated equally.  I also learned that my desire for family and motherhood was “weird” and my lack of desire for anything else was “sad.”

Don’t get me wrong; I do not regret college. I am thankful for an education and the experiences I had. I learned a lot, and even more about myself. However, I ended this 4 1/2 year experience with almost 40,000 dollars in debt for a degree in a career I wasn’t positive I wanted. To top off the uncertainty it would also be impossible for me to be making a lot of money in the field of social work. In search of my dream job I decided to become a certified teacher in hopes of teaching high school child development, inspired by my internship I had educating teen moms in an Austin high school.

My problem began when I got married, pregnant, and then became a mom. How do I leave the job I wanted my entire life [motherhood], for a job I wasn’t sure I wanted or even liked? How do I leave my baby for anything? I was devastated, and I was angry. How did I end up in this situation?

I realized I felt like there was no other alternative. I felt that there was this expectation for women to BE something. To have a role in society other than a mother. To juggle multiple roles and to be it ALL. I figured that it would fall into place and that I would find my niche. I’d get it together and figure it out. I’d get used to being a working mom when the time came. Now the time is here. I am a mother to the most perfect little boy, and I did find my niche. Motherhood is it, but now staying home is not an option. I have massive student loans to pay back. I have a child to support. I have a wonderful, supportive, loving husband, but he is a teacher too. Maybe one day we will be able to pull off a one income household, but that day is not today.

The problem in no one’s but my own. I let ideas of society shape what I did and how I did it to the point where I am not able to do what I really wanted once I figured it out. The problem is also everyone’s. Our society seems to run on politically correct ideals. I support whole heartedly, the idea of encouraging little girls to be anything and everything they want to be. To get multiple degrees, run companies, be a boss. That is incredible and I support every woman who choses to do those things regardless of other obligations she may have. Whether she is a mother or not. There is just one problem. We have to allow women to make the choice to do the opposite as well. We have to tell little girls that it is ok to devote all their time to motherhood and there is nothing wrong with that choice. It is not lazy, entitled, selfish, or boring to be a stay at home mom if you are doing what your heart desires. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you simply do not have a passion that pulls you outside of the home, or dreams of being a career woman. If motherhood is all you want, then motherhood is enough. Because that is what feminism truly is. What feminism is meant to be. Having the freedom to do what you want to do. Girl power doesn’t just come in one form. Girl power includes the working mom, and the non working mom. The outspoken mom, and the soft-spoken ones. The competitive and ambitious moms, and the content moms.

There is not one way to be a feminist, but there are many ways to make a women feel like she is less than. Respecting the women who make choices that differ from our own is vital to respecting all women, and that starts with letting little girls know it is ok to be exactly what you want to be, even if it doesn’t bring home a paycheck.

I still feel that I identify as a feminist. But I’m kind of on my own feminist island and at this point I really do not care. Feminism sold me the idea that I should want to be something when I grew up. A mother wasn’t enough. I should have a passion for a career. I did not. At all. All I wanted was a family and to be with my babies.  We got so caught up with telling girls that they can be anything they want to be we forgot to say that included being a mom. And if that is where your priorities stop that’s ok. The problem lies in the fact that I devalued motherhood. First I devalued it’s importance in my own life. I minimize the role that it played when it came to my desires. Instead of being true to my heart I went on a wild goose chase looking for the other thing that was supposed to fulfill me because I bought into the idea that motherhood just wasn’t enough. Secondly I devalued the role of motherhood in our world. I bought into the idea that I wouldn’t be seen as successful without a college degree or a noble career. I let the bizarre feminist notion that motherhood wouldn’t complete me change the course of my life essentially.

Success in our world today is such a skewed idea. A college degree and career in social work were things I thought I needed to be successful even though they often made me miserable. I spent some semesters of college feeling very overwhelmed, stressed, alone, out of place and honestly depressed. I missed my boyfriend. I lacked motivation to complete assignments and write papers. I even cried out of jealousy at the pregnancy announcements other friends made. Why was I so set on proving my success in a world that I didn’t like 50% of the time? True success isn’t a prestigious degree, a six figure salary or a list of accomplishments to have as bragging rights. Success is doing exactly what you want and spending your life doing exactly that.

I realize nobody forced me go to college, or an expensive college at that. Nobody forced me to pick a career that wouldn’t pay the bills, and then switch to another career that doesn’t pay much better… I have to live with the decisions and choices I have made and I also believe that they all happened for a reason. My life played out the way it was meant to and it’s all working out in God’s timing, but maybe one day another young girl will read this and see that it is not anything other than radical, empowered, fulfilling and liberating than doing exactly what your heart longs for you to do. That is the true basic meaning of feminism in the end.