In Bloom Doula Services

It’s no longer world breastfeeding week, but it is still breastfeeding awareness month. I intended to just make this an Instagram post, but it was just too long.

As I get closer to starting my breastfeeding journey over again for the third time after non stop pregnancy or breastfeeding for the past 4.5 years I’ve tried to reflect on what I wish I knew before I ever even attempted breastfeeding at all. What I end up wishing I could tell myself is a big ball of jumbled up contradictions. It’s hard, but made my life so easy. It’s rewarding, but so exhausting. It’s life giving, and draining. It’s beautiful, but painful and messy and frustrating. It’s an accomplishment, and it’s a burden. It’s something I never knew I would care so deeply about, and something I didn’t realize would shove me into a brave, selfless, defender for my baby to have whatever he needed. If that meant pumping in public, making strangers uncomfortable, confronting my employer, losing sleep (and maybe some sanity), being alone, being inconvenienced, being in pain then I would do it. And I did it, and I’ll do it again. Because breastfeeding has made me better in every way by pushing me to those limits and rewarded me ten fold with babies who are healthy, secure, safe, loved, and happy.

I wish I could tell my 25 year old pregnant self that 6 months of breastfeeding as my goal would fly by, and by then I’d be in the sweet spot. I wish I could tell myself not to doubt my body, my milk or my baby, but then reassure myself that he is normal. I am normal and I’m doing it just fine. I’d tell myself that it’s ok to nurse him to sleep, and it’s perfectly normal for him to want to nurse that much. Yes, you are tired. And drained, and frustrated, but this will only last such a little while. And one day he won’t look into your eyes for 20 minutes straight while stroking your chest and reaching up to your face. One day he won’t need you like this and you’ll miss it deep down in the pit of your stomach.

Often times breastfeeding is either so romanticized that it’s made to look easy, or so negatively portrayed that moms feel set up to fail. They expect it to be easy because it’s natural, so hardships really take a toll. Or they go in thinking it won’t work for them and doubt every aspect of the process that they can’t trust their own body or their own instincts. If I wish I knew anything before breastfeeding it’s that it’s ok to trust my body. It’s ok to relax and follow baby’s lead. It’s normal for it to be both good and bad, and it will teach me more about myself and what I am capable of than almost any other experience in life. It’ll make you strong, and tender. Determined and flexible. Selfless and proud.

Breastfeeding required more from me than I ever could have conceptualized 4 years ago, and I’m sure that this third breastfeeding journey will teach me even more. About motherhood, about myself, about love and selflessness. Although I love breastfeeding and want to encourage and support other new moms, I also have not missed it once since I weaned Waylon in January. As beautiful and amazing as it can be, and as much as I’m sure I’ll enjoy those same special moments with this new baby, I also know the challenges and frustrations that will accompany this journey.

I’m not sure what our journey will look like exactly or how long it’ll last, but I’m grateful for another opportunity to welcome a new life in the world and hopefully with all the knowledge and wisdom and experience I have now, give us both the best start at it.