In Bloom Doula Services

As I meet more and more expecting moms, and listen to their fears about and plans for child birth, there are often times two common themes. First they sometimes want an un-medicated birth, but fear that their body (or mind) isn’t capable of accomplishing this. Secondly, they are terrified to breastfeed and convinced before they even attempt it that it won’t work out. They doubt their bodies before even giving them the opportunity to try, and that isn’t a good way to prepare for a successful birth or breast feeding experience. I often hear, “I just hope I’m able to nurse. I know it’s really hard.” Or, ” I want to try for a natural birth,” with a strong emphasis on the try because they are assuming that it is a task that is impossible to accomplish and for some reason think they will fail (for lack of a better word) at.

I never really thought much about this until I became pregnant too. Suddenly, I wasn’t just encountering people who doubted their own body. I was constantly running into people that doubted my body too. I was often made to feel crazy for voicing my plans for an unmedicated birth. Complete strangers, co-workers, and my own family told me I was insane. They told me to “just get the epidural.” Or would give me a snarky “good luck with that!” I often heard sentiments like “don’t try to be a hero,” “there is nothing to prove to anyone else.”  All fine, but coated in a tone of judgement and disapproval, and are frankly quite rude. I was left with the impression that women who have unmedicated births are pompous and self righteous. It made me not want to share my plans with anyone. It wasn’t about a desire to prove anything to anyone else; I’m doing this for myself. So in an attempt to be less controversial, I began adding disclaimers to my responses when asked if I was being induced or getting the epidural. I would say “I am going to try to not get the epidural,” but ended up just keeping those plans to myself all together the longer my pregnancy went on. I’d learned my lesson.

I started to even question my own choice at that point. I had never been in real pain. Never broken a bone or had an injury or any kind. The most pain I’d ever had was when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I had no past experiences to gauge my pain tolerance. Surely everyone was right and once I felt this real pain I would crumble and get the epidural. Not that there is anything wrong with getting an epidural. Everyone should have the birth experience they want and will enjoy. I had just always envisioned my birthing experience a certain way, I always longed for that. I also wanted to test my body. I wanted to see how strong I really was. Could I push myself to the limit? I literally have one hundred reasons why I wanted to have a natural, unmedicated birth, and none of those reasons have to do with anyone other than myself, and my son. Why were my plans that only involved us getting such a strong reaction?

I ran into the same problem when I spoke about my desire to breastfeed as well. Inevitably someone will ask you if you intend to formula feed or breastfeed, and honestly there is no great response. You feel some sort of judgement or shame no matter which route you take. There is so much pressure on women to breastfeed, and then pressure to formula feed if there is any kind of issue. And then judgement if you use formula, and judgement if you breastfeed too much, to long, or in certain places. We are expected to breastfeed, but not in public, or without a cover. We (and our babies) are expected to sleep through the night, but still get breast milk. All the advice that is thrown our way during the early months of postpartum can be conflicting, overwhelming and stressful.

I tried to get some insight about breastfeeding from veteran moms, and rarely heard anything positive. I would hear how painful breastfeeding was, now nipples were bloody or falling off. I was even told very bluntly many times to not even count of being about to breastfeed.

I was left feeling very weary for how nursing would go. I was under the impression that it was nothing but painful, hard, exhausting, and disappointing. It’s so true that negative voices are the loudest. Only a handful of women said it was worth it to have an unmedicated birth or to try breastfeeding; and to go for it. I spent the last few weeks trying to block out negative ideas that had wiggled their way into my brain and prepare for the experience I longed for. Sure enough, I did have a beautiful unmedicated birth and am quickly approaching 11 months of breastfeeding success. I worried for nothing.

I began to wonder why anyone would try to dissuade me for the birth I wanted? Why are women trained to doubt that their bodies are capable? Why were other women so determined to burst my hopeful bubble? Why were they wanting me to prepare for disappointment? Why were they trying to make me doubt my body’s capability to birth or breastfeed my son?

The negative comments really made me doubt myself. As a first time mom you feel like you have no room to have an opinion especially about something you’ve yet to experience first-hand. The negative comments are honestly the last thing a mom needs to hear. It does nothing but give an already anxious person even more anxiety. How do you respond to the negative without invalidating another woman’s experience? How do you listen and not let it affect your mentality toward labor or breast feeding as you get closer to THE day?

The longer I have thought about this I realized that when women share negative stories and antidotes about motherhood it is all in an effort to be heard. Our lives these days are saturated with social media, most aspects of motherhood are talked about, but filtered (literally and figuratively) with a positive spin. The reality of what child birth or breastfeeding entails are seldom shared. In fear of judgement, many women hide the struggles, trauma, pain, and sheer misery that is not just labor and nursing, but just honestly a lot of aspects of motherhood in general. There is so much pressure to candy coat, or simply hide the truth when it comes to women discussing what motherhood is doing/has done to their bodies that many women end up feeling blindsided when labor ends up lasting for 24+ hours, and they are riddled with back labor. Or when they can’t get a good latch right after birth, and the nurse is hovering over them with a bottle of formula insisting their baby needs to be fed. The support new mothers need is just not there.

When women have a less than ideal experience they think they are doing a public service by sharing that negative experience with new unsuspecting moms. I really believe it comes from a place of hurt and disappointment. They wish someone would have warned them. Maybe they are hopeful that if other moms know what they know now, then they may break this cycle of disappointment. The problem lies in the fact that they are only sharing their truth, not the whole truth. Which is why it is so important to have a community of women to turn to, to rally around you, uplift and support you as you venture into this world of motherhood.

Yes, motherhood is exciting, wonderful, fun, beautiful, and priceless, but that can’t be the only side of motherhood we share with the world. It is also so scary, painful, confusing, lonely, frustrating, and just plain hard world, and that needs to be shared too. If women go into labor and begin breastfeeding with honest and accurate information they will be much more successful. Bombarding new moms with negative information is discouraging and in my opinion, a form of sabotage.

The truth is labor and birth is just one day. How your child is born has absolutely no meaning when it comes to the type of mother you are or will be. But it is important because it is your introduction to motherhood. It is transformative and important and will have deep impacts on every woman physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is important because it is important to you and no birth plan warrants flippant, snide remarks from anyone.

What I found to he helpful was to surround myself with voices that encouraged, uplifted and supported me. I suggest doing that by hiring a doula. I believe 100% that my doula is what made an unmedicated birth possible for me. Clearly I was capable of an unmedicated birth because I had one, but she was the positive reinforcement that I needed. Doulas are essentially labor coaches. She prepared me through every step of the way from the beginning of my pregnancy to the end. She labored with me through each contraction, and in a time where I may have let the pain overwhelm me, or make me panic, she was the calm in the storm. She suggested various positions to move into that eased the pain. She helped guide me through the pain to use to my advantage, to work with the contraction and use it to get one step closer to meeting my son. Without a doula there to reassure me, encourage me, and support me, I may have let the pain make a decision for me.

Find other moms that have accomplished what you want and hear their stories. Every mom likes to share her birth story, especially a positive one. Only listen to voices that want to see you succeed at the birth you want. I read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. It is full of honest, but positive birth stories that are inspiring and supportive. When you hear how powerful other women believe they are, you start to believe it too. I also recommend watching as many live births as you can. I made a list of documentaries that I suggest watching and many include footage of natural, unmedicated births. It is important that you see a real birth. Not to scare you, but to be realistically prepared. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, you will be exhausted and may consider tapping out. But if you go in knowing that it will be a challenge you won’t be as surprised when you find yourself wrestling with contractions. It is ok to be honest about the pain that may loom ahead, but it is so worth it once you sit on the other side of that mountain. I talked about how I prepared for an unmedicated birth on my blog months ago (linked here). Everything I did was advised by my midwife and doula, and it was a decision that I spent months preparing myself for physically and mentally.

Breast feeding is a whole other monster. You can prepare with classes and all the information in the world and still encounter latch issues due to tongue and/or lip ties, or a dwindling supply. Ties are caused when the membrane under the tongue is too tight and restricts the baby from properly latching. It can be painful for the mother, but also is commonly misdiagnosed and overlooked, but they can be treated with a quick procedure. If you’re interested in reading more I suggest Kellymom.com, which is a go-to breastfeeding (and parenting) resource. Obviously it is ok to use formula, especially if it is needed. A fed baby is always best and there is no shame in that. But if you long to nurse then go in with an understanding that it may start out tough, but it will get so much easier. Talk to lactation consultants before you even leave the hospital. Make milk production your main priority postpartum, which mean drink lots of water and never deprive yourself of food. Eat more. A diet can wait.

I went out to my in-law’s company Christmas party with my 4 week old son. It was only our second outing (without my husband) and we were struggling. Holden was over tired, over hungry and over stimulated by the lights, sounds, and people. I tried to nurse, but was without a comfortable place or chair. I was wearing a dress, and he fought the cover I placed over his head. He screamed, and I panicked as BOTH of my husband’s grandmas insisted that it was now time for a bottle. Don’t worry about nursing they told me, and insisted that his stomach was upset. They suggested that I just give in and give him formula to “ease his tummy.”

They are both well meaning, and helpful women, who formula fed their babies. They were suggesting what they knew and what worked for them. It isn’t wrong, but it isn’t for me. I could imagine that if those were the only voices I heard during the fussy night, the cluster feeds, and the painful latches that made me scream out in pain, I may have thrown in the towel.

Thankfully I knew a few other women who had breastfed relatively easily, and I had surrounded myself with support, but the truth is breastfeeding is hard. It’s time consuming and can be painful. It is a relationship. For weeks I thought about how much I hated nursing. May back and arms ached from holding my baby at strange angles. I winced when he latched and dreaded the upcoming feeding. I think the only reason I stuck it out was because I had support. From my mom, my husband, friends, my midwife, my doula, support group classes through my doula, my pediatrician, and from Facebook groups. Now, the thought of weening Holden brings me to tears.

I realized that the thing is birth, and our experiences that surround birth, whether that be pregnancy, labor or postpartum, all are vastly different. There is no normal. There is no right or wrong. There is not one way that is better or worse than any other way. It is all about what works for you. Any woman that tried to question my plans for my birth and postpartum journey did so because we all have so much invested in this process. It is hard not to take a difference of opinion or a different way of doing things and not let it effect us personally. Many women do not have positive experiences during childbirth or with breastfeeding, and sharing it with me was their way of processing it, and looking out for me. It wasn’t what I wanted or needed to hear, but women are so desperate to share these experiences that often go un-talked about. Women want solidarity, they want validation that they are good mothers and that they are doing a good job. That they are doing their best.

Not everyone is supportive, and it is vital that you find people who refuse to doubt what your body is capable of. Toward the end of my pregnancy I began keeping more information to myself. I just simply didn’t share my desires of an un-medicated birth or breastfeeding with nosey people. My mind was consumed with preparing for this new arrival. I had no time for the negative thoughts of others. Learning to block out the negative opinions of others is imperative in motherhood because people you encounter, from your family to strangers in the grocery store, will continue to doubt your parenting choices. Why not learn to start ignoring them now?