When You Shame A Working Mom
I’ve only been a working mom for four months, but I already have a strong desire to stay home. Unfortunately a desire to stay home won’t pay my bills and I have to have a job in the work force. I knew from the time I married a fellow teacher that being a stay at home mom wasn’t in the cards for me and it made me sad, but once I got pregnant it made me defensive. Suddenly I was frequently asked questions about whether or not I would keep working. These weren’t simple questions like, “Are you going to keep working?” These questions were loaded. In fact I was asked directly, “You’re not going to keep working now, are you?” I said, “Yes. I gotta pay my bills…” and they responded with “well sometimes we need to make sacrifices.” I smiled and nodded but inside a deep raging anger grew. Sacrifices?!
We live very modestly in a three room garage apartment. Our splurges include take out on busy nights and monthly subscriptions to Netflix. How dare you insinuate that I am am refusing to sacrifice an indulgent life in lieu of time with my child. How dare you insinuate I’m not making sacrifices! Everyday as I wake up at 5:30 and kiss my sleeping baby good bye and drive an hour to work on less than 5 hours of sleep, I’m sacrificing. Don’t get me wrong. Every mom in every circumstance is making sacrifices. They come in many forms. Every situation and family is different and worthy of respect. Still, I’m a firm believer that 99% of women are doing what is best for their family and that may be a sacrifice on different front. Working moms are far from selfish, and I refuse to be made to feel guilty for participating in providing for my family.
The shame didn’t stop there though. I continuously hear that other moms couldn’t work because they actually want to “raise their child,” as if working moms are not “raising their child.” I hear other moms say that they never leave their baby in someone else’s care as if that puts their child at risk. Implying I’m selfish is one thing, but Implying working moms are negligent is another. This happens particularly in mom groups. I have been told that if I feel guilty about work that maybe that indicated I was doing something wrong or that I should quit my job and even as one woman suggested, resort to government assistance if needed to take care of my child the way I should.
Some moms in these mom groups will offer “advice” or “suggestions” to posts I have made, or that other working moms have made about juggling motherhood and a career, or the guilt that sometimes tags along. They say “have you ever considered staying at home?” I could rip my hair out each time I read that. My sarcastic side says “Nope. That never crossed my mind.” But instead I explain that we need insurance, and I have mountains of college debt and I need to pay my car bill, and buy groceries, so it isn’t possible. Sometimes they continue to insist that it is. That if I just reevaluate my priorities or “scale back” on my extra spending, I could make it work. Considering I had to talk myself into buying a new pair of sandals for the summer for the first time in five years because my older pairs are falling apart, I’d say spending isn’t my problem. Sometimes they suggest I listen to Dave Ramsey, or try to tell me what they did, and the anger continues to swell. If it were possible for me to be staying home, I would be doing it. If I tell them what they are doing is offensive they snap back at me, or even insult me more. Last night this happened and I was brought to tears. Tears of anger. Tears of hurt. Jealousy, sadness, exhaustion, and more.
The relentless suggestion to quit my job frustrates me the most because these moms still can’t understand where I am coming from. Just like a formula feeding mom doesn’t need to be told about breast feeding relentlessly, or a mom who birthed via c-section doesn’t need to be told repeatedly about how natural birth is better, a working mom does not need the added guilt about having a career. It just reenforces the idea that she is not doing all she could to be the mother she wants to be.
All of this hits me even harder because I long to be at home with my baby. I’ll admit I’m jealous of stay at home moms. I cried for weeks at the thought of my maternity leave ending. The first morning I left my son I sobbed the entire way to work. I miss my baby all day long. I am exhausted when I come home from work and have to cram all my mothering, cooking, cleaning, sleeping, grooming, and resting into an evening. I worry I’m not the mother I want to be, or that Holden deserves. I drop any one, if not all of those balls I’m juggling on a nightly basis. I wish more than anything I could be with my child every day until kindergarten, and maybe one day that will be possible.
These months since I’ve been back at work have been especially draining and hard on my mental and emotional health. I do not have enough time in the day to do my job and parent well. Forget keeping up a house. There have been unexpected inconveniences like having a car wreck. Also, we’ve been trying to buy a house. Being stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted is a bad combination, and I question how much longer I can make it.
I also worry how my family could afford life without my income. I think of the debt we have, the bills we pay monthly and how we could pull off switching to my husband’s insurance. I think about my retirement and how we’d put our kids through college. Nothing is just as easy as taking time off or staying at home for a few years. I’m not saying it would be impossible for it to work out for us one day, but that day is not today. The more I hear the “why don’t you just stay home suggestion” the more defensive I become. I find it insulting, accusatory, and condescending.
Working moms do not need anyone’s judgments, two cents, or opinions. They need your support or at the very least your understanding.
Every mom is a full time mom whether or not they are at home or at work. Every mom loves their child and makes decisions in the best interest of their family. Instead of ridiculing those decisions let’s lift each other through this journey that is not easy in any circumstances. I think we can all agree motherhood is the most important job, and we are all making choices to take on motherhood the best way we can.