In Bloom Doula Services

When you have a new baby everyone is very interested in how he/she sleeps. A lot of emphasis is put on baby sleep habits from the second they are born. At least I get questions about Holden’s sleeping habits regularly. People ask if he sleeps through the night. They ask if he wakes up to eat, and then they inevitably ask where he does his sleeping. I’ve learned the hard way that people often don’t respond well when I tell them that I bed share, so for a while I hid my bed-sharing habit from everyone. Now after a little experience and a lot of sleeplessness I have decided I will hide bed-sharing no more.

Although I now sleep soundly with Holden in my bed with me, the road to getting comfortable with it was not an easy one to travel. My first night with Holden was down right exhausting. I’d been up for over 30 hours straight. I had just birthed a baby. I needed sleep, but every time I placed him in the side sleeper next to my hospital bed, he woke up crying and would only calm down once I held him again. He slept soundly against my chest, but the nurses stressed to me that it “wasn’t allowed” to sleep with my baby. Being a new mom and desperately wanting to do everything the right way, I struggled to get through the night until my mom came to hold my son and let me get a generous 3 hour nap.

For the next three weeks the following nights were exactly the same. I only slept when my husband or mom took a turn holding Holden. Because I knew I wasn’t allowed to sleep with Holden on my chest. I was quickly losing my sanity. There were nights where I stood crying looking at my sleeping husband, holding this crying baby that demanded I hold him. I knew I would be tired, but I didn’t know I would be THIS tired. It was stressed to no end by veteran moms throughout my pregnancy that I better “sleep now because you’ll never sleep again!” I savored every nap and slept in at every chance, but I was still not prepared for the tortuous level of sleep deprivation I was in for. Is anybody though? I knew I needed sleep, but each time I laid my sleeping baby down he would instantly wake up and cry until I picked him up again. I refused to cry it out, so I was at a loss.

I started to get scared for what the next year or more held for me. In addition to my lack of sleep, my family of three was now camping out in the living room. I’d set up a “nest” sleeper for Holden that he refused to sleep in. I tried sleeping upright with him on me, and on the floor. No matter where I tried, sleep kept eluding me. One day my husband came home from work and I announced that we were moving back to the bedroom. I’d told my mom of my struggles to sleep and she said “just lay with him facing you and nurse him on the side. That’s what I did with you and your brother.” I decided I was no longer “sleeping” in the living room and I was going to give this a try. It felt like an eternity since I’d slept in my own bed. I laid down on my side and nursed Holden face to face, and went to sleep. About three hours later he woke up and I simply switch sides, and low and behold we both went right back to sleep. And we got another full 3 hours of sleep, and again. Then the next night, and the next and I finally felt like a human again.

It was glorious. I didn’t realize that what I’d begun was called breast-sleeping and bed-sharing and it saved my life. I also didn’t realize the storm that follows when you tell people that is your sleeping arrangement. Our culture has decided that moms must be tortured to death by running between rooms every few hours, or babies should be left to sleep alone in a room and learn to “self sooth.” The thought of us sleeping together in harmony is taboo. Why? I am not sure, but I sure do hear about it. Maybe I just run into a lot of nosey Nancy’s, but I get this question from people at church, my family and even complete strangers. I was told “that baby better not be in that bed with you.” When I replied that yes he was she looked mortified and shook her head at me saying “he’ll never leave.”

I learned very quickly that if you confess to bed sharing (especially to people in mom groups online) you will be bombarded with looks of disapproval, be scolded and sometimes blatantly ridiculed. After many finger shakes, tisks, and hearing “he’s never going to leave!” I started second guessing my sleeping practices, and doubting that I was doing the right thing time and again. I just quit telling people where he slept, and continued to happily sleep snuggling my son. As time went on I began to realize that I wasn’t a weirdo who had figured out everyone sleeps better this way. Bed-sharing actually helps moms and babies sleep better while breast feeding. It is commonly done, but often times done secretly and shamefully. The truth is more women I know do this than don’t. At least at some point and for sometime. It is not for everyone and that is ok, but if it is for you just know bed-sharing is ok too.

Inevitably people bring up SIDS, which is a very real concern and has effected my family personally. My husband’s brother, Jonathan died of SIDS in 1984. He died of SIDS as he slept alone in a crib and it wasn’t known he was dead for hours. I was terrified that our baby would die of SIDS too, or that it was genetic. I thought of Jonathan constantly as I panicked about sleeping arrangements and life with a newborn. I was torn at what was the right thing to do. I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I were responsible for something happening to Holden, but I also didn’t know much longer I could maintain my sanity running on fumes. I decided to do research. I consulted my mom, my doula, my midwife, and other mom friends. What I have learned is this:

1. There is a safe way to bed-share. If you are interested in learning about safe sleep practices check out Kellymom.com. There is a lot of information regarding co-sleeping and bed-sharing. I will clarify that I started out co-sleeping (Holden sleeping in a sleeper next to my bed) and would end the night/morning with bed-sharing. Him next to me in my bed. Now, we exclusively bed-share. He is sleeping throughout the night except for a few times that he wakes up to nurse and goes right back to sleep. Once we started bed-sharing I was getting upwards of 9-10 hours of sleep a night. Now that I am back at work, I am lucky if I get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Bed-sharing is vital to me functioning as a human being. Which leads me to my next point on sleep training and the cry it out method. 
2. I am not against sleep training, but I am against the cry it out method. I refuse to listen to my son scream, and I know that screaming would somehow be involved in the sleep training process if I tried to get him to sleep in his crib. Did I mention that I live in a one bedroom apartment? It doesn’t matter where Holden sleeps he is still going to be in the  same room with me. I am not here to convince you to not cry it out, but when I heard this story I didn’t have to think twice about it.
3. It has helped maintain my milk supply. Do I wish that I could sleep in a more comfortable position with the blankets pulled up to my chin, without a little gummy gremlin chewing on me during the night? Yes, but I also love the intimacy bed-sharing gives us. I am gone for the work day for 11 hours. If I tried sleep training I would be missing out on precious hours that I spend snuggling Holden. Felling his warm little body against me, rubbing his soft skin and fuzzy hair, gazing at his gorgeous face. He gets to smell me, hear my heart beat, feel my presence. I am almost positive that bed-sharing has been the driving force salvaging my breast feeding relationship with him as I returned to work. I simply can’t afford to lose those hours with him. He will grow up and he will move on to his own bed, and one day his own house. Sooner than later I will miss the days when he only wanted me.
4. Bed-sharing helps me get the sleep I need. I cannot imagine getting Holden out of his crib, nursing him multiple times a night and trying to go to work on even less sleep. I simply could not do it because I struggle to make it every day as it. Sleep is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle. When I was pregnant I went to a birth conference where a psychologist who treats mothers with postpartum depression (PPD) spoke. She stated that one of the main contributing factors to PPD is sleep deprivation. One of the best ways to prevent PPD is to get adequate sleep postpartum. That is not easy to do, and I am not exaggerating when I at times felt like I was at the brink of insanity. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I mean it is painful. I decided that in order to care for my son I have to care for myself, and we both are better cared for when I am not an irritable or delirious sleep deprived monster. I am grateful for a husband who is very supportive and helpful when it comes to those late nights. He has taken shifts to try to soothe our fussy little when I am at the end of my rope. If you need a break, take one. Motherhood is so hard at times and dealing with the tough stuff has made me so much more empathetic to other moms out there. Do what you need to do to be the best you. Don’t let anyone question your parenting choices that work the best for your family.
5. Cultures all over the world share beds with babies and Americans did too up until cribs became a trend and sleep training became “the norm.” SIDS could also be caused by stress according to some and leaving your baby in a dark room, all alone to cry for hours is very stressful for them. But sleeping near their mother is a stress reliever. In utero they are with you 24/7. It is shocking to come into a world of brand new sights, sounds, smells, textures, and feelings when all they knew was you. It will understandably take some time to adjust to this major change. When you bed share safely SIDS should not be an issue. Almost every case that involves an infant dying in a bed-sharing scenario can be traced to unsafe bed-sharing practices.

I am not here to encourage you to bed-share if you’re uncomfortable doing so, or to argue about sleep training. Always do what works best for your family. For me that is bed-sharing. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for that. I am not ashamed for parenting and mothering my child as I see fit. I am not sorry for making sleep a priority for the health and well being of myself and I will not allow my son to cry it out alone while I cuddle with my husband. If you are a fellow bed-sharing momma know you are not alone. You are not wrong. Soak up the sweet snuggles while you can and sleep soundly with that precious baby!