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I recently read a post about how women should stop romanticizing birth. As I read this post (linked here) I knew immediately that this post was directed at me. (Also, Romper’s 7 Reasons’s People Need to Stop Romanticizing Breastfeeding is linked here.) I could definitely see where the writer was coming from, but I also got instantly annoyed/defensive. I have very conflicted feelings about this. On the one hand I can totally see that when we put expectations on an event in our life we can’t control, we sometimes set ourselves up for disappointment. Many moms struggle with shame and feelings of failure when their birth doesn’t go according to their birth plan, or the way they envisioned. Many times an intervention they planned on refusing ended up being wanted or needed. Sometimes their body didn’t respond to the induction they way they had hoped and a c-section was their best option. I completely empathize with the mother who harbors feelings of anger or sadness about the way her birth story unfolded.

I also can understand why a woman may not have very many feelings about birth at all. Maybe she hated pregnancy and labor. Maybe she didn’t have much invested in a particular type of birth. There is no one size fits all birth plan for anyone. Whether you want a completely medicalized hospital birth with an induction, epidural, or a planned c section, or an all natural home birth. Whether you see an OB or a midwife. Whether you love pregnancy and labor or hate it; birth is still a big deal. Everyone deserves to have the birth that they want. For those of you moms that couldn’t have cared less about your birth plan or the “experience” – that’s perfectly OK. But for me, I will keep “romanticizing” the birth of my dreams. And here is why:

First of all, lets get one thing straight -the actual definition of romanticizing. Romanticizing something like birth is trying to make it seem better than it really was. Maybe you could romanticize a drug addiction, a toxic relationship or suicide like in 13 Reasons Why, but sharing honest feelings about birth isn’t quite that. Gushing about my birth experience was honest. I wasn’t trying to convince anyone that it was something it wasn’t; I truly believe it was THE best birth experience I could have had, but I understand that my experience isn’t necessarily what other women want, or what they end up going through and I respect that too. If I had endured a traumatic birth, like some women that I know, then I may feel pretty bitter toward the woman that had the birth I longed for, but assuming that a woman is fudging her experience for appearances sake, solely based on the fact that one didn’t enjoy their particular birth is non-sensical, petty, and demeaning.

No one should be made to feel guilty about celebrating the birth they loved because of other people’s insecurities. The experience DOES matter.

As far as the Romper piece goes, of course, there is not one ideal birth. That’s the whole point of having informed consent in the labor and delivery room. Every woman longs for different birth. I should not be made to feel guilty about celebrating MY ideal birth, or that it went quickly and smoothly, out of fear that I could offend or upset the woman who thinks my birth plan of a natural birth, with a midwife and a doula was silly. If you enjoy the birth experience better with an epidural or prefer an elected c-section or have no feeling at all about how the birth process goes then that is OK. The type of birth you have does not make you a better or worse mom. I’m not sure why that even has to be said, but it does according to the author of the article. All births are births, all kinds of births are worthy of celebration, and every mother who endured a birth of any kind is amazing. There is no easy way out, and there is no pain free birth or recovery. But the experience is important. Yes, a healthy mom and baby are the MOST important, but if the experience matters to the mother, then it is important. Period.

What ever happened to birth education?

There are so many missing pieces and a sheer lack of knowledge and facts regarding our medical system and what our culture regards as normal when it comes to child birth. The author of the original post seemed highly uneducated about pregnancy and labor and birth. Her decision to make an unsafe choice, such as refusing an induction despite what seemed to be  pre-eclampsia is irresponsible and reckless on her part. Did she do any research? Or was she more focused on competing with “crunchy” mom friends. The truth of the matter is that an intervention free birth is the safest statistically. Risks and complications in pregnancy are rare, but they do happen, which is why the medical community is a blessing to have when an induction is needed. Arming yourself with information is the most single important thing you can do to be prepared to walk into the delivery room. Talking your girlfriends’ experiences for face value (which are purely anecdotal), ignoring your midwife’s professional recommendations and then blaming one’s lack of research on the peer pressure from friends seems like someone who is missing the point.

The facts are our country has an outrageously high cesarean rate, high mother mortality rate, and high infant mortality rate. Compared to other developed countries; America is failing women and babies. C-sections are a risk, inductions increase c-sections, and most problems in labor are results of interferences with the labor process. Talking about these issues, encouraging other options, and sharing stories about natural birth is helpful in most aspects. But that doesn’t mean we should take hearsay from friends, over the professional medical opinion of doctors and midwives, which is why it is important to have well rounded information, and to take child birthing classes.

The author seems very concerned about deaths during a negligent home birth, but somehow neglects to address that women and babies die during hospital births at a far more likely rate. Scaring women out of a potential home birth, or care with a midwife based on one negative experience she had seems nonsensical to me.

“Romanticizing” birth is “anti-feminst” and “ableist”

There are many experiences in life that go “romanticized” by others that I am completely confused by. One would be running marathons or climbing mountains. I find absolutely no satisfaction or glory in that, but that is my OPINION for myself. That doesn’t mean I want another woman to stop celebrating and relishing in her accomplishment of that. Calling it ableist, anti-feminist, or demeaning to the women who can’t run marathons or climb dangerous mountains doesn’t make it true. There is enough space in this world for a difference of opinion and preference. I am capable of celebrating another woman’s accomplishment without taking it as a personal statement about me and what I do and do not do.

Everything we experience in motherhood feels like it is so personal and one sided. All moms feel shamed no matter what the circumstances. I celebrate my birth because I am so often made to feel weird for it.

Speaking of anti-feminists. There sure is a lot of policing of other women’s decisions regarding their own bodies when it comes to birth in the feminist community. The irony is not lost on me. Getting in tune with things that are inherently feminine (LIKE BIRTH) is not anti-feminist just because it is not masculine. We have got to let go of this idea that embracing femininity in every form is somehow degrading women. Falling in love with motherhood, birthing babies, breastfeeding to me is just about as feminist as it gets because it is one thing that does divide the sexes. Men just cannot do those things. Just because something is maternal, nurturing, and motherly does not mean it is inherently oppressive.

The truth is natural birth is in the minority and birth trauma is real.

Less than 2% of births happen at home (in 2012),  1/3 of hospital births will be a c-section and out of vaginal births a vast majority are getting an epidural. Compared to other countries around the world, America is failing mothers when it comes to birth experiences, outcomes, and breastfeeding. Bashing holistic birth or breastfeeding for being “romanticized” is part of the problem. Only recently have efforts been made for women to reclaim the birth process, and bring awareness to the choice that exists in the labor and delivery process. Spare me the sob story that you feel left out of the intervention free birth circle. Those moms are the minority. They speak out about their birth to help women become more informed about their options because believe it or not; many women do not know they have them.

Women aren’t lying about their birth experience

I begged for an epidural too, and if I would have had a longer labor, I likely would have gotten one. There is no way around the truth that labor is painful. To me is was a gut-wrenching, exhausting pain. There is no shame in vocalizing that you want it to end, or that it hurts, or that you want a way out. Don’t think that because a woman went without an epidural that she didn’t wish she had one at some point of the labor process. It isn’t weak to want a way out of the pain. It is honest. And back labor is terrible. No one is disputing that. But that pain was all overshadowed by the rush that is the birth of their baby.

Women are not always exaggerating when they talk about their births. There is a birth high. The moment a women holds her baby and has the relief of labor ending she is flooded with a rush of hormones. Natural intoxicating, love producing hormones. It is an exhilarating and overwhelming feeling. I could not get over the fact that I had just pushed a baby into the world. I couldn’t stop talking it for days. I instantly wanted to do it all over again. And I blame the hormones. Mothers who feel this are not making it up, or “lying” to make a woman who didn’t get the birth high feel bad. I would never assume that a woman is gushing for appearances. It is literally the most incredible happening to ever exist.

There are entire movements of women who are left with mental, emotional and literal physical scars from a birth experience that stripped them of autonomy, consent and respect; one of which is Birth Without Fear, that a LOVE. They are searching for a different way. A healing birth. A birth experience that helps them reclaim their body and their birth. Scoffing at natural birth and telling the women who gush about it to be quiet is demeaning. It is invalidating their truth.

Natural birth is a radical act. Doing so is almost an act of rebellion. Its telling the medical system, insurance companies, formula companies and anyone else who profits off of mothers and babies that we will not be taken advantage of in the name of business or profit. Celebrating birth and breastfeeding is so much deeper and more important than self congratulatory Instagram posts. Ask any mother who is vocal about either and she will tell you she never felt stronger, more empowered, and capable in her life.

Another women’s success in something is not a statement about anyone else. I will continue to celebrate my birth. The magical experience it was and what my body did. It was the strongest I ever felt, and I refuse to be denied that because it  may make someone else uncomfortable. Birth is absolutely not the only way to feel strong or become empowered. I encourage you to find what is empowering to you and celebrate that instead of trying to muffle another woman’s joy about her accomplishments in her birth experience, whatever that ideal looks like to her.