In Bloom Doula Services

I started my maternity leave on my due date, October 22nd after 9 stressful weeks and late nights of swollen ankles, lesson planning, and pure exhaustion. This was a huge weight off my shoulders because I could devote every second until labor to resting and preparing for my baby. I sat at home watching Netflix and folding tiny clothes, waiting for any sign of labor. After a week of that and trying almost anything to induce labor, I was growing impatient and frustrated. A week of my maternity leave had been wasted, which meant one week less of actual baby time. At 41 weeks I began to believe that I would never go into labor. I spent most of my last day of pregnancy in a rather unpleasant mood, which consisted of me ranting about anything that annoyed me to my parents, my friends, and my husband. Fortunately I got a late night visit from my best friend and college roommate, Cacie. I hadn’t seen her in months, so we stayed up late talking and laughing as I bounced on my yoga ball. It was evidently exactly what I needed to distract me and lift my mood because I started having contractions. As we were talking I started feeling cramps, but figured I just needed to go to the bathroom, so I waited until she left. Before we knew it we realized it was midnight. As we said goodbye I told her I’d let her know how my induction would go.

Yes, I had planned on an all-natural unmedicated birth, but in fear of losing another week of maternity leave I’d agreed to a folly bulb induction that Tuesday, November 1st. Thankfully that ended up being unnecessary because it was now October 30th and labor had begun. When I got in the bathroom and saw blood on the toilet paper, I realized I’d lost my mucous plug. Here I was sitting in the exact same spot I was when I found out I was pregnant and I had almost the exact same feeling. I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m pregnant when my period is a week late or surprised that I’m in labor eight days passed my due date, but I’m stunned. I exclaimed to Nathan “I’m bleeding! I lost my mucus plug!” I got a rush of excitement. This was it! I wasn’t sure what to do next. I texted my doula, Kathleen, that I’d lost my mucus plug and she responded predictably with “take a bath and try and get some rest.” Nobody wants to go into labor at midnight with no sleep, so I tried to relax. I ran a warm bath, but I had to stand with each contraction. Getting up and down repeatedly got difficult, so I gave up and went to lay down in bed instead. Unfortunately I couldn’t rest there either. My mild cramps quickly turned into long, intense contractions. I never thought of anything other than “Holy crap this hurts!” There is no way I could sleep through them. I roamed around our tiny apartment as Nathan tried to get some sleep. I began tracking my contractions and leaning on anything— the wall, crib, bed, and doorway as I labored. I thought that I’d get a contraction and then ten minutes later have another. Naively, I believed I’d be able to braid my hair, and bake Halloween cookies for the L&D nurses, but boy was I wrong.

They started off close together and for a long duration. About 3 or 4 minutes apart to be exact. Fixing my hair or baking cookies never crossed my mind again. Based on my contractions, I felt that I should be heading to the hospital, but I thought I couldn’t possibly need to go there only 2 hours into labor. Instead I texted my parents and friends that this was the real deal. It helped me pass the time while I tracked contractions. If I didn’t stay occupied, I started thinking I was doing something wrong. My contractions were now two minutes apart sometimes, and sometimes two minutes long. I woke my husband, Nathan, when the pain was too much, so he could track my contractions for me. He had a miserable sinus infection, and only an hour of sleep. I felt slightly guilty waking him, but not enough to keep me from doing so. Hours passed (it was now almost 5am) and I hadn’t heard from Kathleen, so I texted my midwife, Karen that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart consistently. She told me to head to the hospital and she’d meet me there. We packed up our things at about 5:30 and I waited for a contraction to pass before I got in the car because sitting was torturous. I was just about to call Kathleen when she texted me saying she was on her way.

We arrived at the hospital around 6 am. Nathan dropped me off at the front, and I walked to the check-in desk but nobody was there. I panicked. I’m in labor and nobody is here! It felt eerily quiet. I knew labor and delivery was upstairs, but couldn’t find an elevator. So I did the only thing I knew to do: wait for Nathan to figure it out. I paced while I waited for Nathan to park the car thinking I may have this baby alone in the lobby. We headed down the hall looking for the elevator to get to L&D. I ran into a nurse who tried to direct me to triage. I had no time to be doubted. I said, “No, I’m in labor!!” She rode up the elevator with us and had to listen to me moan through some contractions. I had conflicting ideas of how this labor would go. I assumed my labor would be a long, all day ordeal. My mom labored with me for over 20 hours, and this was my first baby. Surly I’ll be in labor longer than most, so I told all my friends to not hurry to the hospital. But if we had to stop at a red light on the drive to the hospital, I just knew I would deliver him in the car on my own. Thankfully we made it to labor and delivery safely. We got room 4, which is a good sign because Nathan and I love 4’s and 16’s. The first nurse (who was a bit too bossy for my taste) said to change into the gown and sit on the bed to get monitored and checked. She left the room and came back a few minutes later, “I said get dressed,” she barked. I told her I’m wearing this [my nightgown] and refused to sit until my contraction ended. I got checked to see where the labor was at and to see if I could be admitted. I was sure that I was far along. Maybe dilated to 6 or 7 cm. Nope, I was only 2 cm. I was devastated. My contractions were so strong, and I was so exhausted. I hadn’t slept all night. The nurse told me to go walk the halls for two hours and then come get checked again. If I wasn’t at 4cm then I would be given a shot of Demerol and sent home. Two hours!? I felt defeated. I just knew I wouldn’t be at 4 cm and would have to go home. I wouldn’t be able to rest and my birth was ruined. I texted Kathleen and told her I was 100% effaced, but only at a 2. She met me 5 minutes later and together we walked the hallways outside of L&D.

Right away she flooded me with uplifting and encouraging words about how everything would progress smoothly, and not to worry about what could go wrong. She had me focus on each contraction and work with it to get one step closer to meeting my son. I stopped every few minutes to hang onto the ledge and moan out a contraction. Kathleen was an angel. She helped me through every second and pulled me to the end of each contraction, giving me water, encouraging me, and guiding me through the pain. She held on to my hips and coached me to not resist the contraction and to let my body open up. I was instantly calmer with her there. After a few rounds around the hallway my mom arrived from Austin and we continued to trudge through the hall until I was hit with serious nausea. Kathleen ran for the vomit bag, but it was too late. I was embarrassed, but there was no way I could have made it to the bathroom. Not knowing what else to do we continued to make laps around the hall passing the mess I’d made. I had no concept of time, but was sure we’d been walking for at least two hours. Just as Nathan said 30 more minutes, I started making different sounds. Instead of the low moans these were deep, groans with pushes I couldn’t resist. Kathleen recognized the change said “what was that?!” I said, “Sorry I drooled a little” (my mouth had been hanging open). “No. Was that a push?” she asked. I confirmed the sensation and we went back to my room to get checked.

I fully expected to be disappointed, so I was surprised when I heard “You’re at 6cm!” “Holy s***!” I yelled out in surprise. That’s when everything started to get blurry and go by really fast. The next hour was a blur of getting things ready and people arriving. I was getting monitored periodically, and they tried to get my Hep-lock in. They couldn’t find my vein, so they stuck me over and over as I sat through contractions. It was not fun. I had made up my mind during bleak contractions at home that I did not care about an un-medicated birth anymore. I wanted that epidural. I wanted a break. I was begging for the epidural, but Kathleen kept me calm and kept talking me into waiting through a few more contractions and then encouraging me to move positions. I labored standing, straddling the toilet backward while holding a pole running up the wall, and always back to sitting on the bed to get monitored again. At one point they had me signing papers while cussing through the pain and telling Nathan we would be strictly adopting in the future. My dad arrived with breakfast tacos, but food was the last thing on my mind.  He sat in the waiting room. Also my friends made their way to the hospital for our unnamed baby boy’s arrival.

My mom, Nathan’s grandmother, Linda, and Nathan were the only ones in my room besides my doula, the birth photographer and a new nurse, Karen. There was a shift change while I walked and I liked her much better than the bossy nurse I had when I first arrived. I was progressing well and couldn’t think of anything beyond the exhaustion I felt and the contraction I was working through at that time. Kathleen was talking me out of the epidural once more. She said, “I’ll only let you get it if you won’t regret it tomorrow.” “I won’t,” I said desperately wanting it to be over. It was like running on a treadmill I couldn’t get off. Every time I felt the contraction creep up my back and around my body I was lost in the pain. I hadn’t lost my sense of humor though. Kathleen said “I think we will have a baby by lunch time!” I responded with “Well, when do you eat lunch?”

I moved back to the toilet because I could push him down better, which is the glory of having an un-medicated birth. I had nothing attached to me so I could move as needed, and I was able to be in touch with where my baby was inside of me. With each contraction, I pushed him further down, making guttural animalistic groans. Kathleen told me to give into the pain. Don’t resist it. Open your body to your baby and let him come through. So I did. I asked for the epidural once more, and she had Nathan try to remind me of why I wanted to be un-medicated in the first place. Finally she said “Alexa, you and I both know you can’t get the epidural.” I felt close to tears. “Why?!” I whined. She told me “You’ll have to get monitored for 30 more minutes, get a full bag of fluids, and by the time they get in here to do it you’ll have a baby already.” I said, “Okay,” reluctantly and continued to labor, but moved to the bed to be on my hands and knees. Kathleen and the nurse told me that if they broke my water it would speed things up, so I wanted my water broken. I said get Karen (my midwife) in here now. Kathleen went to get her and my mom and Nathan put wet wash cloths on my neck. I was supported so well. Nobody bothered me or got on my nerves. The only time I snapped at Nathan was when he did a hip compression before I needed it and I yelled, “Not yet!” Kathleen said and did exactly what I needed to get me in the right mindset. She took on every aspect of birth, and every inglorious moment, every bodily fluid that came out of me, every impolite thing I said and treated me with dignity. In a moment where many women would feel embarrassed or humiliated, I felt strong and capable.

I was in a state now where I was almost resting in between contractions in a blackout state. I wasn’t aware of who or what was around me, but so in tune with my body and my baby. I continued to push him into the position I needed him, and let contractions take me over and constrict my back all the way down like a snake (says my husband.) I have never been so focused on anything like I was on this. Once Karen arrived I had to get into my back for my water to be broken. I had always pictured giving birth in a squat, but once I was on my back and the water was broken I had the sudden urge to push and it felt good. As I pushed I had a nurse on one leg, Kathleen on the other, Nathan by my head and my mom behind my midwife. I did one big push to get him to crown. The minutes leading up to and during pushing were surreal. I knew my life was changing and that this is what I had been waiting, wishing, and working toward for so long. Now it was finally happening and I didn’t know how to process what I felt. I started rambling about feeling ‘out of my body’ and so out of it, but so focused at the same time. So disconnected from the pain, but so in tune with what I was feeling. It is indescribable. They told me to push, but I told them I was waiting for the next contraction, and as I felt it wash over me I barred down and pushed out his head. All I remember thinking was that I wanted to catch him. That had been my goal since I saw Kourtney Kardashian catch her son, Mason. So I yelled, “I wanna catch him!” Karen guided my hands down to him as I pushed him out the rest of the way. I could feel his feet coming out and his chord following him. It is surreal and I will never forget that sensation. I grabbed him and pulled him up to my chest and was flooded with relief and emotion. I was so proud. At 10:17 A.M. my baby entered the world.

All I could say was “I did it,” and “He’s purple!” I’ll never forget the way his skin felt and the way he clung to my chest. His tiny hands and finger, and the way they spread open reaching for me. His wrinkly, peeling skin, and his sweet baby smell. It was everything I ever wanted, but it’s also so hard to comprehend what you’re feeling in a moment that you have waited so long to experience. His eyes were open, and he didn’t really cry. I looked at Nathan to bask in the bliss of this moment, and I saw him crying. I don’t think I have ever loved him more. I did skin to skin for about an hour and I tried nursing for the first time. He latched like a champ, right away. I remember thinking that I wanted Nathan to hold him. After the hour the nurses took him to the side, so I could get a stitch for a minor tear. He weighed 8.4 and was 20 1/2 inches long. I loved watching Nathan hold him. I loved watching the reactions as people held him: first my mom, and then my dad came in, and Nathan’s dad, my best friend, Diane, and her husband/ Nathan’s brother, Brandyn, and my other best friend Brittani. I had visitors for about an hour, until my nursed suggested that everyone let me get cleaned up, so I could move to my postpartum room.

That was the first time Nathan and I were alone with our son. The weight of this new role I had overwhelmed me and excited me all at the same time. I was exhausted like I’d never been before, but hyped up on the most exhilarating rush. I spent the rest of the day trying to rest and get to know my little man. I couldn’t sleep though, which made for a rough night. The following day was full of tests, paper work, and prepping to go home. We named him Holden Ray, and headed home for the first time as a family of three. I’ve never been so excited and terrified about anything before in my life. Writing this all out helps me seal these moments into my memory because it is honestly a little hazy. I was excited and in love, but also exhausted and overwhelmed. It was perfect and everything I was hoping and praying for. Oh what I would give to get to live it all over agin.

Photography by Stephanie Shirley