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One thing I believe in 100%, is doing what works for you and your family. I know somethings that work for others don’t work for me one bit, so obviously everything that works for me won’t for everyone else either. I never want to push my choices on other mothers, but I do like to bring awareness about various topics, especially when it comes to choices outside of our societal norm. I like to advocate for those choices so other women can feel empowered to do what works for them too, especially if they feel pressured to do the norm as well.

Bed-sharing is one of those choices. It works for me 100% and I’m not afraid to admit that now. That hasn’t always been the case hence my blog, Why I Stopped Hiding My Bed-Sharing Habit. However, if you have your baby sleeping in a crib and you are all happy with whatever sleep situation is happening in your family then please feel supported and empowered to continue to do that. This blog post isn’t meant to instigate a mom sleep training feud, but with recent events in my personal life I felt like it was time to touch on the subject once more.

As a new mom, I felt a lot of pressure to avoid bed sharing from my pediatrician, my extended family, other moms, randoms in public, the internet. I thought it was normal for babies to sleep in cribs, so I couldn’t understand why mine wouldn’t and I didn’t know how to make him when he refused.

But bed-sharing saved our family big time. I do get a lot of push back from it though. There is a stigma that surrounds bed sharing and I like to confront that head on. If you’d like a peak into our history with bed-sharing you can check out my older post on the matter. I call it a “habit.” Although, I would chose a different title in hind sight. It’s not a habit, it is a preference, a choice, my way of mothering. It reinforces my attachment style parenting, breastfeeding, and bonding while I worked outside of the home.

I don’t feel ashamed of it like I used to, but I still find myself justifying its goodness, safety and normalcy to those around me. My great-Aunt, who never had any children, recently found out that both of my boys (ages 2.5 and 15 months) sleep in the bed with my husband and I. She was shocked and had many opinions. And many questions.

“Well when do they go to bed? No bed time? No routine?”

She couldn’t believe that I was doing that. People are concerned about my children’s safety, my mental health, my husband’s needs for intimacy. 😐 People seem to have a lot of issues with a matter that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them, and everything to do with me. I am about to drop some truth bombs about bed-sharing, and clear up some misconceptions, not only about the safe ways to bed-share, but the risks that accompany solo crib sleeping.

Because the truth is you can bed-share happily without ruining your marriage. You can bed-share safely without damaging your child for life or putting them at risk. The majority of the world bed-shares and has done so since the beginning of time.

1. Bed-Sharing and Co-Sleeping are NOT interchangeable terms

It’s like a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square. Bed-sharing is co-sleeping, but co-sleeping is not automatically bed-sharing. You can room share, where your baby is in a crib or bassinet in the same room. This was my preferred way of sleeping before I actually had a newborn. I tried and tried, but could not lay my baby down without him crying. He wanted to be on my chest, and I wanted to sleep before I lost my mind, so we began bed-sharing. Many women often say they do not co-sleep, but then mention having the baby sleep in their room for the first X amount of months. THAT is co-sleeping and it is perfectly safe and good for your baby. Please start saying you co-sleep, and normalize co-sleeping. It is safe and recommended.

2. America is in the minority when it comes to bed-sharing 

Recently,  I read a post about Milla Jovavich bed-sharing. The article was posted by Jezebel and written in a very snarky and sarcastic tone, clearly making fun of her choice to bed share. The comments were littered with judgement and criticism. As women condemned her choice. It’s obvious that American women have attitude about this type of co-sleeping and have harsh words for women who benefit from this choice.

Check your privilege. Most people don’t live in homes big enough to host multiple bedrooms and nurseries with fancy monitors. Lets get real about families who may share small spaces with many people. Cultures that thrive on tradition as opposed to new age doctors and Google. What do you think families throughout history with 3+ children and one small cabin were doing? How do you think they kept everyone warm? People have been bed-sharing since the beginning of time. Next!

3. Bed-sharing can be a safe option when done safely

I have had a few people spout out scary stories to me when I confessed to bed-sharing. Stories about a woman who smothered her baby in her sleep or a dad that rolled over on an infant. I can’t deny that these things have happened, but 99.9% of the time that they do occur, there was some kind of safe sleep rule for bed-sharing being broken. You have to follow bed-sharing criteria closely, or it by default is not safe. The Safe Sleep Seven by Le Leche Leauge is a good set of guidelines:

• You must be breastfeeding: there is a physiological connection between a breastfeeding mother and child. Your breathing and heart rate regulates you baby, and it is safer to be close to your baby for these reasons alone. A baby swaddled in a dark quiet room away from his mother cannot do the physical checkins with his mothers temperature, heart rate, and breathing. SIDS is frequently brought up in the conversation, but SIDS is almost unseen in breastfed babies. SIDS and a safe sleep accident are also completely different.
• Mother should NOT be a smoker: Of any kind, or at any time. If you smoke you are not safe to sleep by your baby, and you dramatically increase the risk of SIDS.
• Everyone in the bed should be sober. No pain prescriptions, alcohol, drugs, or over the counter medication of any kind.
• The mattress should be firm without extra blankets or pillows. No decorative pillows, or heavy comforters. A sheet or light blanket is enough.
• There shouldn’t be other toddlers or pets in the bed. When Waylon was born, I slept with him, and Nathan slept with Holden, so he wouldn’t be alone. Holden would come lay in the bed once we had woken up in the morning, and once Waylon was old enough we all slept in the same bed together.
• Baby should be healthy and full term
• Baby and mother should be dressed lightly to not cause over heating or any risk with clothing (NO SWADDLING WHILE BED SHARING)
• Check for gaps, chords, long hair, or anything that could pose a potential risk
• We also put the mattress on the floor to make it safe if he were to roll or fall out

I thoroughly researched safe bed-sharing while I struggled to maintain my sanity without sleep and tried over and over each night to get Holden into his own bed. My attempts to avoid bed-sharing made our sleeping situation even more dangerous. I’d gone weeks with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep each day, I was falling asleep on the couch, or in the recliner while holding my baby, which is much more dangerous for an infant than just sleeping in the bed.

4. Creating “bad habits” 

To this I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know any adult who is married and sleeps alone. Heck, most people are even sleeping with their pets! But its taboo to sleep with your baby? Even if my husband and I aren’t snuggled up to each other, we are present in the same room for the comfort of togetherness. We created a family, and I grew babies in my own body; it doesn’t seem right to continue to lay with my husband while my baby is alone in the dark down the hall, while so little and vulnerable and new. I feel at ease with my babies nearby. I know that they do too. My oldest Holden, asks me as we lay in bed, “Momma you wanna snuggle me?” And my answer is always “YES!” Because he is two, and one day he will be twenty two and be an adult on his own, and I will have no babies left to snuggle. This stage is hard and exhausting, but it is short and it is so so sweet, and I am soaking it all up. For my benefit and theirs.

We do have a routine and a bed-time and structure. It is a routine that works for us as a working and breastfeeding mom. It is a routine that ends in snuggles instead of a fight or tears, and my children feel safe, comforted, and secure with parents close by. I do plan to move them out of our bed and into their own room, but I plan to do so “gently,” meaning when they are ready, and without any sort of crying it out method. Waylon still breastfeeds often through the night, which leads me to my next point…

5. Bed-sharing reinforces breastfeeding:

My sister in law recently told me, “y’all are the only people I know who sleep with your kids.” Maybe that is true, but I am also the only one she knows with children who breastfeed beyond 6 months, let alone over a year. I say that not to be snarky, but to be real. I had great milk supply while pumping and working full time because I keep my baby close to the breast. Period. I nursed on demand and that included through the night.

You may think to yourself, “how were you not completely exhausted?” Nursing every 2-3 hours per night would have defeated me, had I been getting up and going to another room, or going to a rocker to nurse. It also probably would have put me in a risky situation as I would have probably fallen asleep due to exhaustion in said rocker. Instead, I often times slept with out a shirt on, with a naked baby next to my chest and in the crook of my arm. He would nurse through the night as needed, or “breast sleep” and I would sleep a good 6-8 hours every night.

I can’t tell you how many women I know struggle with supply, or return to work and can’t maintain their supply while pumping. I get asked all the time, “how do you have so much milk?!” My answer is I bed-share and I nurse on demand. I listen to my instincts and they haven’t failed me yet.

People claim it isn’t safe. They claim it’s creating a bad habit. They claim it’s bad for marriages. They claim my children will never leave our bed. Each of those beliefs is a myth. You can bed share happily and safely quite easily. It just takes knowledge. American associations, like the American Pediatrics Association, quite often speak out about bed sharing, but their reasoning is tied up in political motivation. Funding comes from formula companies, and for profit companies that sell sleep contraptions and devices. All babies really need are the free set of boobs attached to their mothers, but thats not making anyone money.

Women and babies in America are getting messed over by bad advice. And I’m tired of that being allowed in the name of profit.

Bed-sharing happens not out of carelessness or laziness, but because we are biologically programmed to be close to our babies. Bed-sharing is 100% a safe option if done correctly.

It isn’t often talked about the risks of a baby sleeping alone in a crib, or the correlation between formula and SIDS, but it is the truth that a breastfed baby sleeping near her mother is safer than a formula fed baby sleeping alone. A breastfed baby wakes more often, and has body functions regulated by mom if they are in sensory distance and can smell their mother, hear their mother and see their mother.

Yes, your baby may sleep longer alone in their room, but that’s not the biological norm, and that may not be a good thing. Our society pressures new moms to get in a schedule, a routine, to bounce back. For a baby to blend in seamlessly with the pre-baby life, and for women to carry on business as usual. In order to do that you have to sleep. The postpartum and newborn period is not respected. Babies are being sleep trained which not only interrupts their biological needs progression, but is damaging to the breastfeeding relationship.

Women (and I’ve been one of them) have to return to work too early and realize their sleep isn’t just wanted… it’s needed and we cannot function without it. I was terrified of going to teach 50+ students daily after 3 hours of sleep. Or make my hour long commute after being awake all night long. It is not safe, or healthy.

So I put the baby in bed with me and we slept 6 hours. We eventually got full nights of sleep.

You can’t win in the system we have set up today. New moms are criticized by each choice and are set up for failure no matter which path they take. Breastfeeding and bed-sharing was our only option out of my need for sleep, my need for sanity.

My needs as a mother are just as important as my babies because I am the sole caregiver for my infant. I cannot function safely while sleep deprived to that extent. I am endangering my child without adequate sleep. If my child refuses to sleep every time they are alone in their bed, or laid down alone anywhere for that matter what is realistically expected from me?

Do pediatricians, CPS, my grandmothers, and random strangers expect me to allow my infant to lie alone in a crib and cry with no end in sight?

It turns out that they do. My grandmother told me, “just lay him in the crib and he’ll cry for a few hours, but he will get over it.” My pediatrician told my my 10 day old infant was manipulating me. My infant that can’t see beyond my blurry face, who can’t comprehend the difference between himself and his mother, is just conniving and manipulating me to be a spoiled brat?

My maternal instincts tell me that is wrong. It physically pains me to listen to my newborn cry for me, especially when I know a simple solution. My instincts and my babies instincts are telling me we need to be together. My moral compass tells me it isn’t right to allow him to cry it out, and common sense tells me a newborn baby who has spent 9 months IN MY BODY listening to my heart beat and my voice, my breathing and had every need met instantly cannot automatically become comfortable with a cold, dark quiet room or bed alone.

I tried to not sleep for two weeks and I was not ok.

Teaching abstinence from bed-sharing doesn’t work. It is putting people in dangerous situations because they aren’t being given all of the information. Depriving new mothers of safe ways to bed-share is creating problems, and it is an injustice by health care professionals in America. If we cared about new mothers here we may change that, but it seems pretty clear that the greater good doesn’t matter when there is money to be made on formula, sleep sacks, cribs, and sleep training manuals.