What I Mean When I Say I Want Control During Child Birth
I wrote this post on December 12, 2017. I’ve sat on it for a while because it is pretty emotionally charged for me. At the time I was pregnant with Waylon. I wrote it because we need to be kind to pregnant women and we need to think out the impact our words and comments have. I have heard some of the most unkind and insensitive things that I have ever heard in my life while pregnant. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time. I believe every woman chooses to handle her birth in the way that best suits her. If that way seems confusing or strange to you, it may be important to remember that you are not always aware of the full story.
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One of the hottest topics when it comes to birth is going unmedicated. When I told people I was planning on an unmedicated labor and birth with Holden I was met with a borage of comments like:
“Girl, you’re crazy!”
“Just get the epidural!”
“There’s nothing to prove to anyone.”
And my personal favorite, “nobody gets a trophy!”
Some women wanted to share their horrible birth stories with me, justify their interventions to me, or all the reasons why they chose not to or couldn’t have an unmedicated birth. This used to automatically makes me feel defensive of my plans because I got the impression they thought I was being competitive about birth, judging them, or that I think I am better than them.
I don’t, and I try with all my might to listen empathetically and without judgement, but rarely does my reasoning for what I chose to do enter the conversation. My emotional desires for birth are rarely valued by the people I encounter and talk to.
A lot of my motivation for going unmedicated has to do with a longing for control. It is a myth that you cannot have control in the delivery room. Although it is true you cannot control everything and certain things are beyond your control; there is enough opportunity for control that will drastically impact your birthing experience. I may not have control over when my baby is due, when I go into labor, when they are actually born, where I am at when labor begins, how long labor lasts, or exactly how it’ll play out, but without an epidural I can control how my body moves. Without drugs for pain I can fully aware of what my body is experiencing. Although that may be painful, it is not as scary for me as the idea or experience of laboring without an ability to move of be fully aware of what is happening to my body.
My number one reason for not having an epidural was so I could maintain my ability to move. I didn’t want to be in a position where I was confined to a bed. I didn’t want a catheter. I didn’t want an I.V. I didn’t want to rely on nurses or doctors to get me into different positions. I didn’t want anyone to have control of my body except for me.
Women who have experienced past trauma sometimes relate to me on this. They either don’t want that feeling of being confined, or sometimes they really want an epidural because pain during birth can be emotionally triggering for them. Either way it allows for an element of control that some women long for.
Before Holden I couldn’t imagine a pain I had never experienced, so the bliss of the unknown had me feeling confident. Then I did it. I had a wonderful unmedicated birth and got pregnant again, and the reassurance that I had done it before boosted my confidence again.
I will never be at the mercy of my doctor while unmedicated. I will be less likely to be subjected to mistreatment, or be taken advantage of while in labor if I can move as I see fit. I will never be paralyzed in my hospital bed without the ability to get up. To me the idea of being trapped in my bed is very scary. This has nothing to do with a reward, or proving anything to anyone it is simply what seems like the best option for me.
Yes, it is painful, but it is tolerable. I know because I did it- twice. I know because women did it for hundreds, thousands of years without pain relief. Do I think I’m better than any other mom for it absolutely not, but am I personally a better mom for it? Yes. It was a transformative experience for me that I needed. I needed to experience it to reclaim my body and believe its power. I needed it be a Phoenix if you will- rise from the ashes of pain and begin something beautiful and new.
I understand that not everyone needs that, understands that, or cares about that but I do. I did and I understand if that is you too.
When you experience a robbery of power, like a sexual assault it can make birth feel intimidating. The idea of a male doctor doing exams on me, an epidural leaving me paralyzed on a bed while I may get cervical checks, various interventions, and not knowing what my body is going through physically is too hard for me to get comfortable with.
Therefore I was naturally drawn to this idea of midwifery with a woman, embracing the pain in order to have control of my body. I may not have control of labor, or contractions, or pain, but I can consent. I can get up. I could walk out of labor and delivery if I needed to. I can tell a nurse not to check me. I can get up and move if the pain is too much.
I needed to feel every second of each contraction and ride with each wave to welcome my baby through a body that had been robbed of that. To reclaim it. To honor it. To prove it’s power after it had felt used, abused, and ruined.
To me being aware of every aspect of birth was empowering to me. Control isn’t all about pain either, it’s about information. It’s about knowing that you want delayed chord clamping. It’s about knowing that you want skin to skin, or a delayed bath. And knowing how they benefit you and your baby and how to advocate for yourself to get what you need. All of these variables are controllable in the vast majority of births. All of these variables have lasting impacts well into postpartum weeks and months. If we tell women they have no control, or to not bother with a birth plan because there is no point we are abusing women. We are denying them a voice during one of the most important days of their life. We must allow women to control every aspect of birth possible in order to empower the birth process. From the “small” things like clothes you birth in, to the “big” things like trying for a VBAC, going passed 41 weeks, or refusing an induction; control is not in the hands of doctors, nurses, or midwives control is always in the hands of the mother.
There is an entire community of women left feeling robbed of an experience they ended up having no control over. They felt as if the hospital staff ignored their desires for birth and were not treated in a way that included respect and consent. When I advocate for natural birth I’m letting women know they have an option, and their voice has a place in the labor and delivery room. That there is more to prepare for than decorating a nursery, and that their desires for their body do matter.
Since sharing my birth stories, I have gotten more messages than I can count from my small circle of a social media community. They ask me questions about my experiences, and tell me that they now want a midwife or to have a natural birth, but haven’t heard of anyone doing it like that. I’ve had friends tell me they were unsatisfied with how they were treated while in labor.
I’m happy to let everyone know that it is ok to disagree with medical staff. It is ok to say “no epidural, no episiotomy, no I will not be pressured into an induction or surgical birth because of your convenience, or out of fear. ” It is ok to speak up, take up space, and do what you want. To be bossy, be honest, get angry, and require what meets your needs. When I advocate for a different type of birth experience I am letting other women know that absolutely birth is painful! It is hard and it is the worst sensation I ever felt, but it also ended with the best sensation I ever felt – about myself. Because birth is so much more than the birth of a healthy baby. It’s the birth of a mother too. I needed that experience to prove to myself I’m as strong as I’d like to think I am. I’m empowered and I can trust my body. I can stand up for myself and I can withstand the pressure to comply with what someone else wants.
Maybe you don’t need birth to help you see that in yourself. Maybe you already know it, but we need to stop begrudging women who celebrate their victories as if it is a jab at another woman personally. We need to stop considering the woman who fights for the birth she desires as a self righteous, self congratulatory shrew. Birth is not a one size fits all situation and there is no perfect birth for everyone. Only the perfect birth for you.
Photography by Stephanie Shirley.
If you’d like to read more from my birth series check out these posts too: