In Bloom Doula Services

Bonding with a newborn is such a complicated thing. Before I had Holden I had this high expectation that we would feel this other worldly connection and I wouldn’t be able to put into words the emotions I felt. Then he was born, and although it was true that I felt a deeper love than anything I’d known and an instant connection, I didn’t know this baby. We weren’t bonded the way I thought we would be, and that for me wasn’t instant at all. It feels loaded to admit that because it brings up feelings of shame, but each time I’ve mentioned it to others moms they seem to either understand or relate, and some seem relieved that I said it first.

I loved Holden, but didn’t feel like I knew him yet, and in my deepest, most sleep deprived, horrible newborn place I even convinced myself that he didn’t like me, and that he was bonding more with Nathan. I wanted to feel like he wanted me, so when he continued to cry as I held him, but calmed down when Nathan held him, my sleep deprived, hormonal shifting brain decided he just didn’t like me. It sounds silly now, but felt so real at the time and it felt rotten. I hated that feeling and despite being told it wasn’t true, I wanted that bond to become stronger, so I started doing a few things that really helped us connect. I didn’t waste a second doing these things with Waylon and I think it may have something to do with the ease of our bonding. It may be that I’m more relaxed and no longer a terrified brand new mom, but these three things certainly helped.

1. Bed Sharing

I know it is controversial and I’ve talked about it before in my post, Why I Stopped Hiding My Bed-Sharing Habit, but once I started bed-sharing everything changed for us. One, I was sleeping. So I just felt better. There is a strong correlation between sleep deprivation and postpartum depression, which can feel like not being bonded to your newborn. Two, sleep enables healing. So I healed faster and my mood improved. I just felt better and when Holden slept next to me he could nurse and sleep at the same time, aka “breastsleeping.” When I went back to work it saved us. I was away while at work, but at night we got skin-to-skin and he could feel me, smell me and cuddle with me. I am a firm believer that it helped solidify my milk supply and it made me feel like were connected despite being separated throughout the work day. I stopped doubting our bond right then and there.

2. Baby Wearing

One of my biggest regrets is just not baby wearing sooner. I started wearing Holden at 4 weeks and only because I planned on leaving the house alone with him the next day for the first time. He loved it. He instantly went to sleep and I realized it was a way to soothe him that I’d never tried before. He was not a fussy baby at all, but that became my go-to thing to try when he was. Now I wear Waylon all the time. Grocery shopping with two is possible because of baby wearing, and he too will pass out anytime I wrap him up. Baby wearing also helps me feel like I am being a good mom even when I do not feel like momming. Sometimes I need my hands free, and do not feel like being patient and just holding him. Baby wearing lets me avoid a crying baby, but also lets me look at my phone when I need a break or am touched out.

Every time I wear him though I get comments from moms saying they “couldn’t ever get it down.” Or that it never felt secure. It is a little tricky, but you can watch tutorials. My favorite wrap, Solly Baby Wraps has some tutorials to watch to help get baby wearing down. Once my Little’s have mastered holding their heads up and get to heavy to be wrapped I wear them on my hip in the ring sling!

3. Co-bathing

I’d never thought about bathing with my baby until I tried to bathe Holden. He HATED the bath, so I thought maybe it’d be easier to get in with him and then he’d feel safer being held. I was right. It became a routine for us, and I’d do it when he was fussy or after a day of work. The skin-to-skin is important for longer than just the golden hour after birth. I’d nurse him, clean him off and just soak up some snuggles while we relaxed and just enjoyed our togetherness. I stopped co-bathing once it became more about splashing and less about skin to skin, but this helped us immensely!

If I was feeling stressed or disconnected from Holden co-bathing reset us. I could literally feel the hormonal shift as oxytocin started flowing. I did this with Waylon from the get go, and I have said for the last three months how incredibly easy postpartum went after Waylon. It has had its challenges for sure; 6 weeks of colic kicked my butt, but I did not struggle with anxiety or bonding the way I did with Holden. I use the word struggle loosely in this post. By three of four weeks postpartum I felt like our bond had solidified, and the panic of what to do with a newborn had subsided.

4. Having Conversations

Some of my favorite memories of my boys will be staring into their bright, shinny eyes and saying mushy things and singing silly songs to them. Not only is it beneficial to their development, but it is what helped me really start to catch glimpses of their personalities. With a newborn it is easy to feel like talking to them is pointless because they rarely respond. Eye contact is hard to come by and they aren’t smiling or giggling. But it is far from pointless. It encourages bonding by letting them hear your voice, study your face, and eventually you will catch that new smile and the first giggle and it will light up your life like nothing else can. Once Holden and Waylon began cooing and making early baby babbles we would have full blown conversations. I’m not sure what they were about, but they sure did have a lot to tell me.

As a teacher, I can’t stress how important it is that parents have as much physical contact as possible with their babies and communicate with them as much as possible. It all contributes to their development, ability to empathize with others, and build relationships. Over the course of 4 years I have had over 400 students, and it is easy to spot the ones that seem to be lacking something so deep. Babies are starting from the very beginning of learning. Everything sensory is teaching them something, and as moms will have the opportunity to develop those skills and teach them the most important human capabilities simply by holding them, nursing them, kissing and hugging them, smiling at them, singing to them. This love that we have for these tiny humans is so powerful!

But that love, and a bond are not synonymous. It is possible to feel deeply in love with your baby, but also feel disconnected- like you still want to get to know them. If you feel this disconnect long term that is not normal new mom jitters, it is not baby blues, and it is not normal. But it is ok to talk to your doctor and get help. Our babies are only so little for so long and it is tragic to think that any of that time could fly by without the ability to fully appreciate it.