In Bloom Doula Services

Dear Pregnant Self,

The past few weeks have been really hard. We hit 35 weeks, and the baby moves non stop, often times in uncomfortable ways. There is now pain, difficulty moving, and the undeniable stretching and growing that is making my life very uncomfortable. It’s easy to focus on the negatives: the constant heartburn, return of nausea, and frequent loss of bladder control. I figured, we are right at the cusp of day dreaming of the finish line, so I should jot down all that I love; all that is beautiful, glorious, miraculous and incredible about pregnancy. Before I forget and convince myself that I do not want to put myself through this again. At the end of the day I am in love with this chapter of my life. I have never been more productive, more confident, more content with myself, or happier with what life has to offer than when I am pregnant. Carrying, creating, and nourishing a new life every second of the day is the most magical experience I have had the privilege of living through now twice.

My absolute favorite thing in the world about pregnancy are those fascinating, wonderful kicks. The first movements feel like a fish swimming and blowing bubbles in my belly, but now they are intense flips, kicks, and rolls. They remind me that this baby we will meet so soon is awake, and with me through out the day. I sit in amazement and watch my belly twitch and glide around as he moves into and out of different positions. I grab the hands of those close to me to place on my belly, and even point out to my students that he is moving, so everyone can see or feel the miracle that I do; can experience the wonder that is the life flourishing inside my body, and getting stronger everyday.

I wish I could see what he is doing in there, but if that were the case I would never stop looking in at him. Until I actually get to see him on the outside I will wonder what he will look like and try to imagine how it will feel to gaze at him without this weird separation even though we will never be closer once he’s  born.

I love having this little person with me everywhere I go. I love his presences, especially in the beginning when the rest of the world didn’t know I was a sacred vessel carrying a brand new life. I would just go about my day to day life and knew that big, incredible things were happening on the inside. It doesn’t matter that this is how everyone was formed. Once you are pregnant, there is no limit to the amazement one can feel about one’s own body and the miracle that is happening inside of it. Once he is born we will spend every moment together, until I return to work alone again. The pain that brings me is real. It is a physical gut wrenching pain that I dread. Therefore, I will cherish these 9 months where I can rub my belly so he can feel me, sing songs to him so he can hear me, and love him so deeply even though I have yet to meet him, or even name him.

I love my pregnant body despite how many women feel about theirs, and our society’s idea that I should be ashamed of what pregnancy is doing to this body. I love my round belly. I love letting it be known that my body is growing a life and expanding to accommodate it. I look at my first born in awe and can’t wrap my head around the fact that he was formed in this body, and now it is happening all over again. It is not easy. It is not comfortable and it is not always enjoyable, but it is beautiful. In a matter of weeks a new human being will join the world through your body, and then live off of the milk your body creates for months (hopefully longer.) You should remember it is an honor to experience this. It is an honor to gain weight, to stretch to the point of scarring and literally lose control of your body. Do not focus on the changes. Do not focus on the pain. It is all worth it, and the reward is so much greater than the sacrifice.

Pregnancy has made me realize that this body is worthy of respect from its owner. I need to appreciate this body I was given, and the babies it gave me. It made me realize that I am strong. Stronger than I ever imagined, and that I am capable of doing anything through that strength, Criticizing my body’s size, weight, stretch marks, and changes the world may not deem beautiful; does nothing but cheapen the experience that I hold so dear to my heart. How can I focus on the physical changes when everything else is so much bigger than that.

Don’t forget the confidence that pregnancy has equipped you with. Not only in your physical abilities, but in your emotional and mental strength too. Think of all the things you have accomplished throughout the past 8 months. Breastfed your toddler for 20 weeks of pregnancy, taught an entire year of 5th grade ELA and social studies, went on walks, made dinner and cleaned your home, wrote on your blog almost every week, and tended to your family. You’ve dealt with the challenges of pregnancy, but also the scares, too. A hospital visit and fear of the unknown.

Pregnancy has humbled you in a way that only pregnancy can. Forcing you to call on God for the strength to get through each day, and sometimes through each minute. Pregnancy has opened your eyes to the humanity we all possess, and helps you respect every other Momma just a little bit more; with compassion and empathy, and less judgement and shame.

So when you start to think that this is the hardest thing you have ever done; when you start to think it is not worth doing again; when you start to think of this state as miserable and painful, remember the beauty that fills these months. Remember the joy and bliss that is coming. Remember the love that this all came from.

<3

 ^“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

Romans 8:18