In Bloom Doula Services

Yes! You read that right! I am not returning to teaching next year!!

Ever since I was a little girl the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother. I asked for baby bottles for my 2nd Christmas, played house with multiple baby dolls in tow, and one in my shirt, I made lists in journals of all my future children’s names and day dreamed about that future with them.

I had said when I grew up I wanted to be a singer, a sea world dolphin care taker, a vet, a journalist, a therapist. Nothing ever stuck and I assumed I could do all of those things while simultaneously raising my five children and all my rescue animals. Now, I’m 28 with two children and only one of those dreams never wavered- motherhood. I graduated high school not knowing anything about what I wanted to be, but knew I wanted to work with moms in some capacity so I landed on social work.

I had a “dream” internship during my final semester. I was a counselor and group facilitator for the teen moms and pregnant students at a high school in Austin. I taught a pregnancy education group, a girl power group, a teen mom support group. But, I graduated to find literally no jobs like that that exist. They are simply not funded. I applied at adoption agencies, and scoured the internet for any and every opportunity to work with mothers, and even applied to grad school. I eventually became a nanny and a substitute and figured I could become a teacher and teach high school child development. Too bad those jobs are really hard to come by. I still had my sights set on motherhood, but it is kind of hard to be a stay at home mom without any children.

I soon became a 5th grade reading teacher, hoping to get my foot in the door until the elusive child development job became available. Halfway into my first year of teaching I got pregnant with Holden. I wanted nothing more than to quit everything and stay home with him. Even in the hospital hours after he was born, I would just look at him a weep thinking about going back to work in 15, 9, 6, 3 weeks. This pain grew and grew. I never wanted to end our uninterrupted time together. I was terrified about going back to work and dealing with my newfound motherhood while also dealing with the stressors of teaching: grading, lesson planning, testing, data, parent conferences, observations, and of course… classroom management and dealing with students.

It was all over whelming. And motherhood was overwhelming and all consuming. I just couldn’t find it in me to want to be at work. I was heart broken every morning. That heart break was a grief that never felt validated. I had anxiety over trying to balance it all while truly, deep down incredibly unhappy. Despite what everyone told me, it never got easier.

I found myself having dark thoughts like: “I’d rather be in labor everyday than go to work. If I had the flu, then I wouldn’t have to be at work for like a week and could stay home with the boys. If I got in a car crash I could go to the hospital instead of going to work, and could at least sleep.”

The stress of teaching was getting to me… to say the least. My anxiety was sky rocketing. I was having breakdowns. I was tearfully leaving my boys more days than not. I knew NOTHING was worth another year of literal agony. I couldn’t fake it until I made it anymore. 

For years I prayed for God to lead me to another option. I wanted a way to stay home with my boys more than anything. After Waylon was born that seemed near impossible. We had a lot of debt. And after maternity leave I was over $700 negative in my banking account. I was struggling more than I ever had before in life and decided if I wanted to make a change it was up to me to either get happy, or do something. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but knew something had to be done.

My passion has always been motherhood, but specifically early motherhood: pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding. I started this blog to have an outlet pertaining to that passion. I figured if I can’t get that child development job, why not chase the dream that seemed impossible? I began researching doula trainings. They are few and far between and figured traveling was probably required. After months of searching for trainings an opening became available for a birth training in early January and a postpartum training two weeks later. One in Houston and one in Dallas. I’d only have to take one day off of work. It was meant to be! Yet another answered prayer. I signed up and by January 19th I was a trained doula.

The problem was I wasn’t making an income. How could I quit my teaching job without that? Remember those breakdowns? Well, during one of them I told Nathan I can’t. I can’t do it anymore, and he agreed. So we sat down and made a budget. We had finally gotten to a point where our debt was dwindling. I’d spent 5 years paying off our credit cards, student loans, and car payment. By January 2019 I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and we made a plan for how we could one, stay in our house and two, keep me at home with the boys. Although this all was exciting, I hesitated to tell anyone because I was sure that it wouldn’t really happen. Some hiccup would appear and surely, I wouldn’t get to stay home with my boys. It didn’t stop me from fantasizing about our days together, all the things we would do, and how life could be if I was a stay at home mom.

Then another piece fell into place, Linda told us she would no longer be able to watch the boys after May due to health reasons. Prior to our new plans, I would have spiraled at that news, but thankfully we had already planned to make staying at home while building my doula business my game plan, so instead I felt encouraged. However, Nathan and I both know we want another baby, and the cost of daycare, which we would now need- for three children would eat up my entire paycheck. It was really nonsensical to me to work a job I wasn’t happy at to spend all of my income on daycare. Why not figure out an alternative income to make the difference and stay home with my babies? It solidified our plans and let me focus on just trying to survive through the remainder of the school year.

Yes, survive. If you’re not a teacher or have never been a teacher, you don’t understand the demands placed on them. From class room management, communication with parents, lesson plans, grading, meetings, data, trainings, evaluations. I refuse to explain it all because that would be a blog in itself, but in order to do that job well, much more than an 8 hour work day 5 days a week is required. It required a love and dedication that I just couldn’t find within myself at this point in my life. I always felt like a crappy mom for being away at work, and a crappy teacher for feeling like I couldn’t keep up.

I couldn’t make that sacrifice any longer. I couldn’t live with the stress, the weekend and vacation emails and texts discussing data, lesson plans and more trainings. Being a good teacher requires heart and soul. My heart and soul is with my babies. My heart and soul is consumed with motherhood and helping other women in their motherhood. I knew I had to get out, so I did.

On June 7th of 2018, Waylon was just shy of two weeks old. I took him to my old classroom and packed it up, loaded up my car and turned in my keys. He had spent every moment of his existence growing in my belly throughout the entire school year, we had come full circle now on my last day in that district. Shortly after we drove to my new district’s building to sign my new contract. On the way inside I stopped and saw this butterfly on the window. I even took this picture of it as a sign. A sign of what, I wasn’t sure- maybe a transformation coming my way? It was the beginning of Waylon and I’s next journey together- the reminder of his first year being me working and pumping and missing him daily. I realized the next time we would be on summer break together he would be a year old, and knew that I had a huge mountain to climb in between then and now.

I was fearful, but in April I resigned from my teaching job. As I signed the form, I cried and prayed that God would help us figure out a way, that I was making the right choice for all of us, that I was doing what he was leading me to do. I packed up my classroom and ended my year knowing I wouldn’t be coming back- a very surreal feeling. As I walked out to my loaded up my car full of boxes filled of lesson plans, laminated stations, books for my classroom I saw yet another butterfly floating around the grassy area right outside the building. I was seriously moved to tears again, and of course took it as a sign. I am now no longer a teacher and the weight off of my shoulders is immeasurable. I finally get to stay home with my boys! I will never again have another too short maternity leave. I will never again have to spend the first weeks of my baby’s life dreading whats to comes. I will never again have to run of the door hearing my baby scream for me. It is the rainbow after my storm, a dream come true, an answered prayer.

-Alexa <3