In Bloom Doula Services

Last summer I was in the thick of “two under two.” I told Nathan just yesterday, that summer last year was such a blur that it went by so quickly. I spent my days last summer watching trash tv on the couch, resting and nursing Waylon. I spent my nights rocking and bouncing a colicky baby until we both passed out. Although, I miss many of those newborn moments, I do not miss those newborn struggles. Now I have a one year old and a two and a half year old. This summer has kept us so busy that each day has felt like it’s own little adventure.

The second day in the hospital after Waylon was born, Holden cane up to visit us wearing a backpack full of toys he picked out and excited to be doing things out of the ordinary. He was almost 19 months old and had only spent one night away from me before. I was so worried about the impact the change of a new baby would have on him. My mom took him home late at night to go to bed. He waved to me and blew kisses as he left my hospital room and my heart broke. Tears streamed down my face. I will never forget that moment. How could I be so happy and so sad at the same time? How did my baby all of a sudden look like a little boy? Nathan assured me was fine and not to worry, but this was beginning of a tug of war on my heart. A constant question if I was doing right by both of my children.

Last summer was a constant toss up of guilt. Staying home alone with my newborn and feeling guilty about missing out on my toddler, or trying to do too much and feeling guilty about not giving my newborn 100% like I gave my first baby. We spent many days like this: sharing a lap, no personal space, a lot of challenges.

In a effort to let me rest and bond with Waylon. Nathan would take Holden to the park, the pool, on errands while I stayed home knowing I needed to bond with Waylon, but I felt jealous and guilty. Jealous of Nathan being able to soak up summertime with Holden. Guilty for not being as available as I’d like to be with Holden, and then guilty for not being 100% content just being with Waylon. I wanted to see Holden go swim and play at the park. I wanted to eat ice cream with him, and let him feed the ducks. I also knew I needed to rest. I knew I needed to bond with Waylon and give him 100% of my attention. But I had the fear of missing out.

After the first few weeks of adjusting to my new life with two children under two years old I started to venture out into the world. Learning how to navigate our new normal. Trips to Target or HEB, roadtrips and bridal showers with two babies on my hands. I relied on baby wearing and surrendered to taking twice as long to do anything or go anywhere.

It tested my patience and my anxiety. I realized I can’t do everything, or at least not everything all at once.

One morning I was changing Waylon’s diaper and heard the front door open. Holden said, “bye!” And the door closed. I thought surely he didn’t just go outside. I went to check, and sure enough found him walking down the sidewalk leading to our driveway. I realized Holden could not only open doors, but now could unlock them too.

I let go of getting satisfaction from feeling like I had it all together because having it all together was near impossible. If we were safe, fed, and happy did it matter if there were dishes in the sink, laundry to fold or if we watched Moana twice in a day?

As our summer was winding down and my return to work approached my anxiety switched gears into focusing on leaving Waylon. I’d hold him and look into his face and cry. I didn’t want our time together to end.

We went to the ranch for the Fourth of July and I remember wallowing in that sadness. Thinking in less than than a month I would be gone for a work week. I told myself it wasn’t fair for me to spend a good day with my boys dreading something inevitable in the future. Don’t waste the here and now, soak it in, and remember how amazing it is. It started sprinkling on us and we walked along the lake and I looked at my sleeping 6 week old baby and my toddler running ahead of me and I thought I never want to forget this.

I look back on my summer of two under two and realize my memories center around me caught up in worrying about what I was missing, and not nearly enough on the fleeting moments I had with my newborn, Waylon. In fear of missing out on time with Holden, I seem to have missed out on time with both of them, by not being fully present for the baby I was with. I am always learning lessons on the gift of presence. It has been a life long struggle for me; always thinking of the next thing. The next weekend the next holiday break, the next big season in life. Rarely ever do I force myself to slow down and enjoy the here and now. In junior high I wanted to be in high school, then I wanted to drive, to turn 18, to grow up. In college I wanted to be married and have babies. And now here I am… in the season of life I wanted to experience so badly and I blinked and an entire summer flew by.

Reflecting on the summer of two under two has taught me one important thing. Be present with them NOW. I have caught myself thinking about what we can do in the fall, making plans for events to come, dreaming about a future baby #3, and am constantly putting myself in check. I only have right now, and I can’t let anymore time go by in that mindset.

As Moana taught me (in the hundreds of time I listened to the soundtrack) “you must find happiness right where you are.”

Two under two is a hard season. There was a lot of messy buns, baby wearing, late nights, and popsicle bribing (some things haven’t changed.) I kept thinking, “if I can get through this, I can get through anything.” And here I am now a year later kinda sad that those days are gone…. only a little sad though 🙃 There is nothing quite like a newborn, but also nothing quite like a two and a half year old + a one year old who play together, are excited to do anything and everything together, and I don’t have to miss out on any part of it.