Why I Am “Sitting The Month” After My Baby Is Born
In some cultures throughout the world the postpartum period is considered a very scared time for a new mother and her baby. The community rallies around her as she is encouraged to rest at home for the month (or 40 days) following the birth of her baby. There are sometimes strict rules applied that limit her activity to literal rest, bonding with her baby, breastfeeding, and of course healing. Her mother, or women in her family and the community come and do all the cooking and cleaning.
Some rules are even more intense such as the Chinese observation of zuo yue zi, or sitting the month, which is meant to reestablish the balance if yin and yang. Some of these restrictions seem pretty extreme to me, such as: do not shower or wash your hair, do not cry, do not brush your teeth, or use air conditioning.
I am due to give birth in May, in Texas, and have no intention of turning down my AC. I do plan on brushing my teeth and showering as needed, but I think there is something to sitting the month. I obviously am not Chinese. I’m an American woman with no culture of, or social construct for sitting the month. In fact, no one I speak to even knows that sitting the month is a thing.
Instead in America an expectation is in place to “bounce back.” You can search Pinterest for days coming up with exercises you can do before your 6 week check up. There is a cultural emphasis on getting your body “back” and very little talk of the very real thing your body is going through: recovery. I have decided that once my son is born I will also sit the month. This will be to focus on rest, so I can heal properly and to let my priorities be sleep, breastfeeding and most importantly, bonding with my baby.
I have an added bonus that many women do not have, this time around, which is that my husband and I are both teachers. My son is due at the beginning of our summer vacation, so my husband will be able to spend the first two months with us at home. This reassures me that I will have an extra set of hands as I transition to life as a mom of two under two, and cope with the postpartum period. I feel so fortunate that I will have added help around the house as I rest and recover from the birth of our son. I know that many American women don’t get much, if any help at all after their children are born. Their husbands go without paternity leave, and may not have access to consistent help from family and friends. There is the option of hiring a postpartum doula, but that can cost a pretty penny, thus making sitting the month virtually impossible for many American women.
With my first son I basically sat the month in my own way, as I never left the house alone for the first 4 weeks. I left only for doctors appointments and short errands with my husband or grandmother-in-law by my side. My husband took a week off of work and after that I was home alone with my baby. It was overwhelming at first, as a first time mom, but it was just us two. I didn’t have the added stress of a toddler either. The first time I did venture out alone with my baby was at one month postpartum and it gave me a lot of anxiety.
I felt safer, more relaxed, and at ease at home, but knew at some point I needed to adjust to life as a mom and actually do things outside of the home with a baby in tow.
Now that I know what sitting the month is, I have decided to create my own version of this tradition (as I do not have any cultural ties to this custom I have decided to pick and choose what aspects sound beneficial to me and any postpartum woman) and will make that the policy in my home. I think there is something to an extended and respected period of rest for postpartum mothers, as Americans seem to refuse to acknowledge this period of time for women.
In fact, the lack of discussion about postpartum life frustrated me to no end. I felt secluded in my postpartum bubble. I saw the media show pictures of celebrities who had “bounced back.” I heard comments from my own family members who insisted in a matter of days they were back to their normal selves. I had a soft postpartum belly, raging hormones, achey joints and muscles, engorged and leaky boobs. I was exhausted and I was essentially doing nothing else except mothering my son. I didn’t do any cooking, cleaning, laundry or worry about the house. I knew I needed to rest, but I couldn’t escape the expectation that seemed to be there.
At three weeks postpartum I went on a 6 hour long road-trip to my in-law’s hunting ranch (seen above) and to my family’s Thanksgiving celebration (seen below.) I tried to do my hair. I tried to dress nicely and look like I hadn’t just had a baby. I so badly wanted to hear a comment like “you do not look like you just had a baby!”
But… I didn’t. I suppose I did look like I had just had a baby. I probably did look exhausted. I did have a belly under my clothes that didn’t exist 11 months before, but that is all because I was exhausted, and I had grown a human in my body for 9 months. I was still holding myself to a standard, and letting the unspoken expectation [for myself] to portray new motherhood as “effortless” get to me. Now that I can look back on those experiences, and learn from them I have decided two things. One, I will continue to talk about postpartum life because nobody else seems to. And two, I will erase that expectation from my mind and I will do that by sitting the month.
This is what I plan on that looking like for me:
- I will continue to rest and rely on the help of others throughout the months. My husband, my mom, and anyone who is willing can help with meals, can help care for my toddler, can help clean the house. I will worry about sleep, establishing a breastfeeding relationship, and bonding with my new baby.
- I will not push my body to the limit. No exercise. No lifting. No long periods of standing or walking. Despite what veteran moms told me, I did not feel back to normal. I felt weak, for weeks. Standing at the doctor’s office in the line to reception made me feel faint. Small trips to the grocery store exhausted me. I always listened to my body, but worried something was wrong with me that I wasn’t full of energy like some moms seemed to be. At the end of the day none of that matters. I will listen to my body and if I need to rest, I will rest.
- I will not worry about doing my hair, make-up, or getting dressed in anything other than postpartum leggings and a nursing bra. If you prefer put on a full face of make-up, you go girl. You do you. But even the thought of standing at the sink blow drying my hair exhausts me. I want to stay as far away from that expectation to look a certain way as I recover. My body did a miraculous thing and I do not deserve to criticize myself as I nit pick my postpartum appearance. To me nothing was more disappointing than trying for an hour to look like my old self, and then realizing I just wouldn’t. I will not look like my old self because I am not my old self, and that is ok.
- I will not leave the house. I don’t mind this one anyway, and I understand some moms get a little stir crazy, but I had no desire to go anywhere anyway. So I will not be going anywhere. Not to church, not to the store, not to a friend’s house, not to the mall. If I get a craving for Texas Roadhouse, I may make an exception for that, but I will not push myself to do things or go places that I simply am not ready mentally, or physically to do.
There are some negative sides to the sitting the month tradition, as one article explains, I tried the Chinese practice of ‘sitting the month’ after childbirth. There have been reports of increased rates of postpartum depression, which seems likely if someone is house bound, and basically bed ridden for a month. It isn’t surprising that some women may get stir crazy, bored or depressed.
But I don’t think that is the point of the tradition. The goal is to focus on healing, and the best way to promote healing during the postpartum period is to give yourself grace, while eliminating the standard set by our society, and the pressure that surrounds new moms. My goal isn’t to follow all the rules, but acknowledge the weight of what my body has gone through, respect that healing is a process, and allow myself a generous amount of time to do just that. Without stress about cleaning, pressure to lose weight or look a certain way. Without feeling the need to portray an image of myself to others that just doesn’t matter.
I think everyone’s version of sitting the month could look quite differently, but every new mother deserves that sacred time to heal without having to return to normal life right away. Every new mom deserves a chance to listen to her body, heal properly, and have the support of a village that will help. Because Lord knows, motherhood is really hard, and there is no need to try and make it any harder.
If you’re interested in reading some of my other postpartum post some are linked below:
10 Ways to Help the New Mom In Your Life
Being Honest About Postpartum Anxiety