Reflecting on One Year of Pumping at Work

Today is my last day of pumping at work. I made it one year and 7 days of keeping my son on breastmilk. I made it an entire school year of pumping twice a day everyday since my son was 9 weeks old.

I did what felt like an impossible task and I feel proud. A kind of proud that deserves to be shared, so that other women know it’s possible, important and worthy of respect. So that co-workers, employers and friends and family members of other pumping moms will see this sacrifice- will see this accomplishment, and support the pumping women in their lives. This is the only way we can normalize pumping in the work place to make it more possible for others to be successful too.

I knew it was going to be a tough mountain to climb, probably because I was just 20 weeks out of breastfeeding my first born when I began this breastfeeding journey all over again. When you’re a breastfeeding mom and also working full time- pumping is inevitable in order to maintain that breastfeeding relationship.

My first born was only 18 and a half months old when my second was born. I knew a thing or two about pumping at work, since I successfully made it to a year of pumping for him too. However, Holden was born in October, and I didn’t return to work until he was 15 weeks old in February, which left me with only 4 months to pump for him until summer vacation and then only 2.5 months of pumping in the fall to make it to his first birthday. My lunch and conference time during those school years lent itself perfectly to my pumping schedule. I had an established relationship with my principal and co-workers prior to needing to pump and everything flowed seamlessly. The nurse was on board and fully supportive as she made a pumping area for me, offered to let me use the fridge, joked about putting the breastmilk in her coffee, and often congratulated me and showed her support for me as I kept on.

This environment put me at ease. Pumping never felt like a burden to those around me. Pumping never made me feel self conscious or alienated from my co-workers. However, I can’t say the same for my second pumping experience. To put it simply- pumping at work was easier the first time around.

I began the school year at 9 weeks postpartum with a newborn, a 21 month old, and a brand new school in a new district. The first two weeks were spent at different campuses around the district with each day creating new obstacles for me. A different schedule with a different training during my pumping time, a new front office with new staff for me to talk to about my needs for a room with a plug and a fridge. Repeatedly telling strangers and brand new co-workers about my lactation needs wasn’t big deal to me now, but I can imagine that this would have intimidated me had it been something I would have had to deal with my first go round with pumping. Thankfully, I had confidence on my side.

However, I had all new co-workers to meet and build relationships with, but that was typically done over lunch and breaks, which I used to pump. I was always telling them I would be late to this, or late to that because I needed to pump. I could see the discomfort on some faces. I wondered if it came off as bragging or gloating. I wondered if it came off as an excuse. I’ve always hated being the high maintenance one with drama, but pumping is something I had to do often, and I was afraid of ruining my supply since I was so early in my pumping game this round. I knew what it took to be successful at pumping. I knew what was required of me. But combine that with the stressors of my new job, and now my path was full of obstacles.

I was one of 5-6 women at my school who had babies under one year, but I was the only one pumping. I worried what that said about the culture of my new work place. Honestly, the reviews are quite mixed. I had some co-workers who were extremely supportive, like my Principal who covered for me as I had to pump in a corner of a hallway in a crowded restaurant while our entire staff ate lunch. I had a male co-worked who offered to let me pump in his car instead of the his because his wife did often, and he could empathize with me as he had seen her sacrifice too.

But, I also was told by our nurse to pump in the bathroom and she wasn’t too accommodating of me at all… I had co-workers who whispered the word “pumping,” and make up weird stories to explain to students why I was going in the closet everyday, and I once ruffled some feathers as I pumped in my classroom with a cover, door locked and sign in place before “meet the teacher” night.

About halfway through the year I found out another teacher quit pumping because she was “too embarrassed” to ask for a place to pump. As if referring to milk coming out of your breasts, to feed your baby is something to be ashamed of. I then thought of how often I spoke of pumping so freely in front of all of my co-workers, and I wondered who all I had offended. It wouldn’t ever shame me into not pumping, but it did make me feel quite alienated in my new work place. I couldn’t help but ask myself if pumping had played a role in my lack of relationship building.

As the year went on and my routine became established it just blended in with the day. I occasionally got locked out of the work room, or forgot my pump bottles, but it was just another thing to cross off of my to do list and I didn’t give it too much thought.

But the early days of being 20 minutes late to every lunch, or driving to trainings solo to pump in my car, or dipping out of meetings to pump took a toll. I felt like never got to really connect with some of my co-workers. Some that I was so excited to meet and bond with because we were of similar ages, both new teachers, both new moms. It never really happened though and I can only speculate as to why. I’ve never heard any feedback as to why I was on the outside of the inner circle, but it often times felt a little like junior high. I couldn’t help but wonder if I put off the rest of my team by missing out on somethings, not getting that team building time over lunches or breaks that everyone else did distraction free. Were new moms who weren’t breastfeeding annoyed by my outspokenness for pumping? I may be annoyed if I were grieving a breastfeeding relationship, and then met a new coworker who came in boldly requiring pumping breaks and accommodations, when I felt unable to speak up.

I know women can be competitive and hard on each other, so this is all speculation, but it made me feel quite alone as I continued to pump through August, September into November and February and into May.

I dealt with clogged ducts, supply dips and surpluses. I lost my freezer stash of over 300 ounces when my deep freeze randomly quit and had to rebuild it again from basically nothing. Fortunately, I was able to build it back up to donate as a second time donor again in March.

After returning to work when spring break ended I knew I was in the home stretch, but that made each step of the pumping process just a little more daunting. Packing up bottles, planning my breaks and coverage for my class, packing and unpacking my pump supplies for my daily pumps twice each day, washing bottles and pump parts. I felt like I could pull my hair out. Unlike my first go round though, I never contemplated quitting. I never considered formula. I never stressed that I would make it. My confidence was a game changer. It’s what got me through March, April and May. It’s what got me to the finish line. For one entire year I kept my baby on breastmilk. For 6 months I kept him exclusively on breastmilk, and even kept my toddler on breastmilk 50% of the time. For and entire school year I pumped twice a day. I donated over 600 ounces and am still going strong with breastfeeding and saving to donate as we clear a year!

10 months

187 days

125 hours

2,618 ounces

I’m proud. I’m so proud.

Pumping while working full time is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and it deserves to be celebrated.

(Shirt and Onesie from The Little Milk Bar)

The work of a postpartum mother needs to be recognized. We need to talk about it, see it and see respect it if we care about new mothers. If we care about babies. If we care about our wives, sisters, friends, and co-workers.

If we continue to ignore the needs of pumping moms, forcing them to pump in I’ll equipped closets, make faces of disgust or shock as they mention pumping, and promote the secrecy surrounding pumping then we are setting women up to fail.

I don’t share this to toot my own horn. I share this in hopes that I can pass along some confidence. That other women know they’re not alone, in hopes that they may not be afraid to speak up for their needs.

Being a working and pumping mom to two under two has pushed me to my literal limit. I’ve had break downs and taken my frustration, anger, my exhaustion out on the people I love most. What I’ve gone through this year is something I don’t ever wish to ever experience again.

I feel like I’d be doing a disservice to other moms if I pretended I pulled it off easily, or that I had it all together. As I sit here and type this I have a house that is a mess, children I need to get home too, and a to-do list of things to get through. I can’t say that it was easy or enjoyable, but it was 100% worth it. Keeping Waylon on breastmilk was worth it. Saving possibly thousands of dollars on formula was worth it. Donating milk to babies in the NICU was worth it. Doing what was right by my family, and what I believe in as a mother was worth it. Maintaining our breastfeeding relationship for both of our sake’s was worth it.

I am teary-eyed sitting here thinking about the mix of emotions, the ups and downs, the personal growth I have experienced this year. For as much as I believe in and fought for pumping, I won’t miss it. This isn’t bittersweet in the slightest. Pumping took a toll, and now that it is behind me I feel lighter. I feel proud not just because I kept Waylon on breastmilk for a year, not even proud of just the pumping for 10 months alone. I’m proud of myself for speaking up for my needs. I’m proud of doing things I was uncomfortable with (like discussing pumping with strangers) because I believe in it. I’m proud of my commitment, perseverance, and determination to not quit when something got hard or frustrating. It would have been much easier to give up- oh how much easier my school day would have become.

But motherhood pushes you into a new realm of selflessness, courageousness, and makes you do things you may not have otherwise done. Its helped me see that I can do hard things, and that I am stronger than I may have otherwise known. And for that, I am so thankful.